by Monica Pignotti (1989)(en Francais)'Q&A' Defined as the failure to complete a cycle of action, which meansa failure to finish something started. This was expanded to mean anyquestioning of an order given by someone senior to the person or anyexpression of disagreement. This was a device used to get people tofollow orders given to them, no matter how ridiculous. For example,students on the Class VIII auditor's course on Flag were ordered tothrow their fellow students overboard for auditing errors. If anyonedared to question this order, by perhaps, pointing out that Hubbardhad once said he did not believe in punishment, that person would betold, 'Don't Q&A. Just do it.' In addition, that person wouldalso have been overboarded for his Q&A.'Make it go right' is a phrase that is used in Scientology, ad nauseum. Hubbard hadsaid that 'The supreme test of a thetan is the ability to make thingsgo right.' (Thetan is the Scientology term for spirit.) Thisstatement was used as an excuse and justification for throwing peopleinto the most horrendous situations imaginable. For example, in theSea Org, a person could have all his privileges taken away, bestripped of his rank and thrown on the RPF and told by a senior, 'Makeit go right!' In the late 1960s, when Hubbard first created the SeaOrg,people were assigned duties of seamanship that they had no trainingfor or experience in, put into the middle of storms and told to 'makeit go right.' 'Suppressive Person' or 'SP' An SP is a person who is against Scientology, especially someonewho speaks out against Scientology or publicly criticizes it.Sometimes even Scientologists in high positions who were trying theirbest to be ideal Scientologists were declared SP, for some imaginedtransgression, at the whim of LRH. If a person is in Scientology andthen leaves, that person is automatically declared suppressive. SPsare barred from receiving auditing, taking Scientology courses orspeaking to any Scientologist in good standing. To a Scientotogist,being declared SP is worse than a death sentence.'Overts/Withholds' or 'O/Ws' With the O/W phenomenon, Hubbard brilliantly managed toincorporate three out of the eight criteria for mind control describedby Robert J. Lifton that are used by cults. This is not only part ofthe loaded language of Scientology, but is also the main thoughtstopping technique used by Scientologists and makes use of theconfessional as a way to control and manipulate people.'Dev-T' (short for 'developed traffic') means unnecessary clutter that stands in the way or delaysachieving a particular goal, especially a Scientology-oriented goal.I wanted to be an auditor and do all I could to help clear the planet.Going to the university was dev-t, so I quit. 'Natter' is short for negative chatter, especially about Scientology. Anycriticism about Scientology or the way the group is run, is considerednatter, no matter how valid it is. I was often accused of natteringwhen I didn't like what was going on and spoke up.
- Contents:
- Introduction
- How I Got Involved
- The Bait
- The Franchise
- My Father's Attempted Intervention
- Mind Control Techniques -- The Early Months
- Alienation from the Outside World
- I Begin My First Steps on the 'Bridge to Total Freedom'
- My First Contact with the Sea Org
- TRs the Hard Way
- OT III
- The Sea Org
- The Flagship Apollo
- The Flag Auditor's Internship
- The Commodore Arrives
- The RPF
- My LRH Commendation
- The Mission to New York
- The Rock Concert
- Here We Go Again -- Another Rollercoaster Ride
- The Lesson of the RPF
- I Begin My New Life
Katie Holmes apologizes for 'having upset Leah Remini' after actress revealed she was once 'written up' by Scientologist officials for telling Holmes and then-boyfriend Tom Cruise to 'get a room'.
Introduction
The following is an account of my life in Scientology, a group Iwas involved in from December 1970 to August of 1976 -- about 5 yearsand 9 months. From 1973 to 1975 I lived aboard the FlagshipApollo ('Flag'), the home of L. Ron Hubbard, the founder ofDianetics and Scientology. On Flag, I trained to be an auditor (aScientology counselor). My life on Flag was a continualroller-coaster of ups and downs. One day I would receive a personalcommendation from Hubbard and be held up as an example of what a Flagauditor should be and then, just months later, Hubbard would take awayall my certificates and send me to the RPF (Scientology's prison camp)for an auditing error I did not even commit. On Flag as auditors, wewere under continuous pressure to be perfect, the standard ofperfection being the whim of L. Ron Hubbard.
Many people, no doubt, have read horror stories about what occurredon Flag and I can personally attest to the fact that they are true.This might lead one to wonder why a person would join such a group inthe first place. How could anyone put up with such abuse? In writingthis testimony, I hope to give people some insight into this question.The fact is that I didn't join Scientology to be ordered around andabused and I don't know anyone who did. The group I thought I joined,as an idealistic eighteen-year-old, bore little resemblance to whatScientology actually was and still is.
When I found Scientology, I thought I had found all the answers tothe great mysteries of life. I had found the Truth -- or so Ithought. What I didn't know at the time, however, was that I wasinvolved in a destructive cult that used deception, followed bysubtle, but very effective techniques to control my mind and the mindsof many others.
I didn't realize the full ramifications of the impact of thisexperience on me until years after I left the group. I now realizethat this group has caused me tremendous harm -- that I was a victimof mind control. My purpose in writing this account of my experiencesis to make people aware of how it feels to be aScientologist, what attracts people to Scientology and to show thetechniques that are used in Scientology to control people's minds. Itis not a pretty picture, but having this knowledge is essential if youwish to help a friend or loved one to free themselves from theclutches of this very destructive cult.
As painful as my experiences were, I am very happy finally to befree, once again, to make my own choices in life. However, somepeople weren't so fortunate. Quentin Hubbard, L. Ron Hubbard's sonand a very close friend of mine, committed suicide at age 22 becausehe could see no way out of the trap he was in. Having been born intoScientology, he could not envision living outside of the cult, butcould not stand living in it. It is too late for Quentin. He is goneand no one can undo that the damage that was done to him, but it isnot too late for others. If writing this gives someone the insight toget their loved one out of Scientology, then perhaps, my years inScientology will have served some purpose.
How I Got Involved
I have always been, and still am, a very inquisitive person aboutthe questions of life and human nature. As a teenager, I keptdetailed journals of my experiences, my thoughts about them and myinsights about life. I was very aware of the serious problems thatexisted in the world and I wanted to do something positive about them.Many of my friends took drugs to escape the pressures of life, but Ididn't join them. I was a very strong-willed person who didn't givein to group pressure. I was, in my mother's words, a 'free spirit.'
I was very interested in ideas that were departures from theaccepted norm. What the world needed, I felt, were innovative ideasand solutions and I hoped someday to make a contribution that wouldmake a real difference in people's lives. I read anything I could getmy hands on that might provide me with some insight into human natureand how we could achieve our full potential as human beings. I verymuch believed that to change the world, we had to change asindividuals, so when I heard about a book called Dianetics, theModern Science of Mental Health, by L. Ron Hubbard, I was veryinterested.
It was the fall of 1970 and I had just started college at theUniversity of Utah at the age of 17, with a major in music. I hadbeen studying music since the age of four, having come from a familyof musicians. I had always assumed, up until then, that I would be amusician, but that year I was beginning to question that assumption.This caused me to feel intense inner struggle, as it was, in my mind,a rejection of everything my parents wanted for me, but, at the sametime, I knew I had to follow my own path. This inner struggle, notuncommon to people my age, was one factor that made me vulnerable toScientology.
I became very interested in the subject of Psychology and wastaking an introductory course on the subject which was biased, mainlyin favor of the Behaviorist school of psychology. There was verylittle emphasis on other forms of psychology, which probably wouldhave appealed to me more. Given the limited information that I had, Iconcluded that the establishment had very little to offer and began tolook outside for insights into the field.
There was a music professor at the University named Sally Peck whowas involved in Scientology. Sally was principal violist of the UtahSymphony and a respected member of the community. It was one of herstudents who told me about Scientology and took me to a free lectureon Communication in December, 1970, shortly before my eighteenthbirthday. There was nothing profoundly earthshattering in thecontents of the lecture, but I was very impressed by the peopleinvolved. Many of them were artists and musicians who seemed to behaving great insights into the nature of life and their work asartists. After the lecture, I bought the Dianetics book and spent myChristmas vacation back home in Michigan reading it. I just couldn'tput the book down; I was fascinated. L. Ron Hubbard, it seemed, haddeveloped an innovative theory about the human mind and the cause ofall human abberation and he had developed a technique called auditing,designed to put this theory into practice and thus, bring about aworld free of war and insanity. And so my journey began. Uponreturning to Salt Lake City in January, 1971, I started my firstScientology course.
The Bait
I think it is important, at this point, to explain more fully whatit is about Scientology that appealed to me. Every cult, no matterhow sinister it seems, has something positive about it that is used asbait to attract people. After all, if everything about a cult werenegative, nobody would join. I don't believe that it is human natureto be masochistic; people don't want to suffer the humiliation anddegradation that is rampant in cults. People join cults because theybelieve that the cult has something that will help them, in some way,to change some unwanted condition in their lives and to grow as aperson so they can live happier and more fulfilling lives.
In Scientology, auditing is the bait used to attract people.Auditing is a process that occurs between two people: the auditor(therapist or counsellor) and the preclear ('PC', the person beingaudited). The auditor's job is to ask the preclear a question, listenattentively to the answer the PC gives and acknowledge what the PCsays, by saying 'thank you', 'good' or 'ok' after the PC has answered.The PC's job is to look into his own mind and answer the question.One basic rule of auditing is that the auditor never evaluates for thePC, meaning that the auditornever tells the PC what he thinks the answer is to the question or howthe PC should think. Thus, the PC is encouraged to look withinhim/herself for answers, rather than relying on someone else to givethe answers, promoting self-determinism. The premise behind auditingis that the answers lie within each of us and that we are fullycapable of finding them.
I found this idea very empowering as well as mentally andspiritually stimulating. What I didn't realize at the time, however,is that this idea of asking questions and getting answers is one thathas been around for a very long time -- it goes all the way back tothe Greek philosophers and there are legitimate forms of psychotherapythat do not revolve around cults that are based on the same premise.I thought that Hubbard had come up with something new and wonderful,as did many other people who were drawn into Scientology.
Hubbard claimed to be anti-authoritarian. After all, we had onlyto look within ourselves to find the truth. It was completelyunnecessary to rely on any person who called himself an authority.Any authority, that is, except him, and this is where all thecontradictions come into play. The Sea Org, Scientology's innercircle, is one of the most authoritarian groups imaginable. Manypeople, such as myself, who were originally attracted to Scientologybecause it advocated independence and self-determinism later foundourselves living under a totalitarian dictatorship on a ship withL. Ron Hubbard at the helm. Hubbard had said, 'There are noabsolutes', but the closer one gets to the inner circle ofScientology, the more one discovers that Hubbard's authority is anabsolute, never to be criticized or questioned.
If only I had known in these first few months what I know now. Ifonly I had known that any assertion of self-determinism that rancontrary to LRH's whims was severely punished. If only I had knownthat the universe LRH created was one in which no one could betrusted; where 'friends', even relatives, wrote up knowledge reportson one another. If only I had known that L. Ron Hubbard's son,Quentin committed suicide after several earlier attempts because hefound life under his father's control unbearable. If only I had knownthat Hubbard had, in fact, created exactly the opposite kind of worldto the one he promised us -- that he betrayed everything he professedto value -- that he betrayed and shattered thedreams of myself and many, many others. If only I had known all thisin January, 1971, when I took my first Scientology course, I wouldhave run as far away and as fast as I could. But destructive cults,such as Scientology don't tell you those things. Deception is used todraw people in and then techniques of mind control are used to trapthem and that is exactly what happened to me.
The idea of giving and receiving auditing appealed to meenormously. In auditing, I saw tremendous potential to really make adifference in people's lives. Many people involved in the arts areattracted to auditing because they feel that the process helps them todiscover and realize their creative potential. They have no idea thatthe price they ultimately pay is to become enslaved into a cult thatstifles any possibility of being creative. There are celebrities whoare involved in Scientology, such as Priscilla Presley, Karen Black,John Travolta, Chick Corea and others who, I am sure, would disagreewith me. Even though these people have done many advanced courses,the powers that be in Scientology have made sure, for obvious PRpurposes, that these celebrities never see the dark side ofScientology. They are given very special treatment in centers set upjust for them called Celebrity Centers. When they are guests atScientology organizations, such as the Fort Harrison Hotel inClearwater, Florida, they get the best rooms and are served byuniformed waiters in an elegant dining room. They are not shown theparking garage, where the backsliders in the Sea Org are sent to live,as punishment. This is something that Priscilla Presley has neverseen; you can be sure of that. She and her daughter have never beenlocked up in the chain locker of a ship, something I witnessedhappening to young people and others several times while I was aboardthe Apollo. She still sees Scientology as I saw it when Ifirst joined and will never be allowed to see anything else, nor willshe allow herself to believe written testimonies, such as mine.
In those early months, I saw Scientology as a group of verypowerful, but gentle people who were working together to free peoplefrom their mental prisons and thus, to create a world without insanityor war where each person was granted dignity. As the months passedand I became more indoctrinated, I decided that Scientology, and onlyScientology, had the tools to create such a world. I concluded thatthere was nothing more important than for me to be involved inScientology. By March, 1971, I had dropped out of college to become afull-timeScientologist. One of my music teachers who I had been close to,Chris Tiemeyer, saw what was happening to me and became veryconcerned. I 'handled' him by pointing out that Sally Peck, principalviolist of the Utah Symphony and a respected member of the community,was involved in Scientology and felt it had done her a lot of good.(Sally was another example of a Scientology celebrity, on a locallevel.) Even though Chris continued to have some reservations, Ieventually got him and his wife to come into the center and get someauditing. Neither of them got involved very deeply, however and theirinvolvement was very brief. I think they were just curious to seewhat all the fuss was about.
Meanwhile, I was in my 'honeymoon' phase with Scientology and feltI was making new discoveries each day about the secrets of theuniverse. It was exhilarating. I felt that I was living out thepurpose I had been seeking all my life.
The Franchise
My first two years in Scientology (1971-1973) were spent working asa staff auditor at the franchise in Salt Lake City, when I wasn't awayat a higher organization ('org') receiving training as an auditor Infranchises, at least in those days, the heavy ethics (Scientologydisciplinary tactics) that existed in higher orgs didn't exist infranchises, especially not the Salt Lake City franchise. The purposeof the franchise was to bring new people into Scientology. Franchiseholders were allowed to earn a modest, but adequate living forthemselves and gave ten percent of what they earned to Scientology.All this changed in 1982, when the franchises were taken over by afanatical group in the upper echelon of Scientology and many franchiseholders expelled. In 1971, however, the franchise was a very pleasantplace to be. As a staff auditor, I received a small salary and livedin a house with 4 or 5 other Scientologists next door to thefranchise. We shared the rent, which was $125 a month. Livingconditions were not bad -- I'd say they were comparable to the averagecollege student living off campus. In addition to my salary, I wasalso receiving $200 a month from my parents at the time, which I savedup to take more advanced Scientology courses.
Deon Satterfield, the franchise holder and my boss was a Class VIauditor and had achieved the state of OT III, considered inScientology to be a very advancedstate of awareness. Before becoming a Scientologist, Deon has been aharpist with the Utah Symphony. She and I developed a warm, closefriendship and I admired her very much. She became my mentor. Inmany ways, Deon was a very independent person. Her dislike for higherScientology organizations (not the courses or the auditing, butcertain people in them) was obvious, though never openly stated. Shewas a kind person who never applied heavy discipline to her staff. Asa result, working for the franchise was quite pleasant. She once toldme that she could never work for an org. She said, 'I'm just not anorg person', but never explained herself further. She didn't dare.Later, I came to understand exactly what she meant.
My Father's Attempted Intervention
In 1971, there was no Cult Awareness Network and no exitcounselling. The only alternatives concerned parents had was eitherforcible deprogramming or to try to get their children out on theirown. When my parents found out I had dropped out of school, theybecame very concerned. Years later, my mother told me that she and myfather went to the library and did detailed research on Scientology.What they found out alarmed them even further. My father flew out toSalt Lake City all the way from Michigan to show me articles they haddiscovered and a book written by Paulette Cooper called The Scandalof Scientology -- a book she was to be endlessly harassed byScientologists for writing. I read the articles and the book andsummarily dismissed them as lies perpetuated by Suppressive Persons('SP's). An SP is a Scientology term for anyone who is againstScientology. Paulette Cooper, to me, was the very incarnation ofevil. I pictured her as a miserable, tortured person who wanted tobring everyone else down with her. Her book told horror stories ofFlag, LRH's home. I didn't believe them because I hadn't experiencedanything like that at the franchise. I threw the articles and thebook away and told my father it was all a pack of lies created by thepress. I couldn't believe that my father has flown all this way toshow me such rubbish! After seeing my reaction, he had no choice butto back off, but he let me know that he loved me and was veryconcerned.
Mind Control Techniques -- The Early Months
My father's intervention was unsuccessful because, even in thefirst few months, mind control techniques were being used on me that Iwasn't aware of. Here are some of the methods of indoctrination thatwere being used on me.
Loaded Language
As a newcomer, I was introduced to a whole new language -- the'nomenclature of Scientology', as Hubbard liked to call it. Here area few terms or phrases that I learned that were used to manipulate meand others:
A person who Q&As is a person, in the eyes of a Scientologist,who questions the intentions of Hubbard. Anybody who Q&As with anorder is thought to be a weak person who isn't capable of completing a'cycle of action.' The fact that the order might be quite ridiculousor irrational is never considered.
Hubbard wrote a bulletin called The Anti-Social Personality.This is must reading for any parent, friend or exit counsellor becauseit describes, in detail, what an SP is in the eyes of a Scientologistand anyone attempting an intervention would certainly be considered anSP. According to Hubbard, the SP has, at an earlier time (probably ina past life), committed a crime of great magnitude against humanity.This caused other people to heavily attack him. The SP is 'stuck' inthat incident and is continually acting it out, lashing out at anyonewho is doing good (the good, of course, being Scientology!. He goeson to say that an SP might appear to be a very sweet, kind person, butunderneath this veneer, he/she is a wretched tortured soul who wantsnothing but to destroy everyone around him. There is no hope orsalvation for such a person. The Scientologist in good standing isexpected to 'handle' or disconnect from any SP he/she happens to beconnected with. In the case of someone who has left Scientology, theorder is always to disconnect. There were times, in Scientology wherechildren were made to disconnect from their parents if they got overlycritical of Scientology and couldn't be 'handled', but this practicewas later discontinued because Hubbard said he had developed the'tech' to handle people who were connected to SPs. These people areknown as 'PTS', or Potential Trouble Sources, because of theirconnection to an SP. In actuality, I think this policy ofdisconnection from parents was discontinued because it created verybad PR for Scientology.
According to Hubbard, anyone who is critical of Scientology, aScientologist in good standing, or wanting to leave Scientology hasundisclosed 'crimes' against it. An overt is any harmful act and awithhold is a failure to disclose that act. Scientologists aretaught, practically from day one that if they have any criticalthoughts about Scientology they must then ask themselves, 'What overtshave I committed against Scientology?' If someone is being auditedand voices to the auditor a critical thought, the auditor mustimmediately ask, 'What have you done?' What eventually happens isthat the person stops thinking critical thoughts. We were told, asauditors, to get actual deeds because a critical thought is only asymptom of an underlying crime.
Whenever a person wants to leave Scientology, the first actiontaken is to 'pull their overts and withholds', meaning to get theperson to disclose what harmful acts he has committed against thegroup and any other crimes the auditor can dig up. This is done bywhat is known as a security check, or 'sec check', which is a seriesof questions designed to discover crimes. This procedure, like allauditing, is done with the aid of an E-Meter, a device that issupposed to measure electrical charge around the person, which issupposed to indicate what is going on in a person's mind. Forexample, a person might be asked, 'Have you ever stolen anything fromthe organization?' and the needle on the E-meter falls. This issupposed to indicate that something is going on in the person's mindwith regard to that question. The person might answer, 'I stole apencil once.' The question is then repeated and if the needle reactsagain, the person is expected to tell more. The question is repeateduntil it is clean, meaning the needle no longer reacts.
In normal auditing, the auditor is expected to follow an auditor'scode, which states that the auditor must not evaluate for the PC,invalidate him, or get angrywith him in session. The code also states that the auditor must neverreveal what a PC has said in session. This code is completelydisregarded in a sec check and the auditor is expected to do whateverhe has to to get the information. Anyone who wants to leaveScientology and voices such a desire is subjected to hours, sometimeseven days and weeks of sec checking to find out what 'crimes' theyhave committed against Scientology. Evidence in recent court caseshas been introduced that indicates that information people hadrevealed, not only in sec checks, but in regular auditing has beenused against Scientologists if they ever leave the group and try tomake trouble. The information in their PC folders is used asblackmail against them. When I was an auditor, I was unaware thatthis was being done. I thought that the data told to me as an auditorthat I recorded in the PC's folder was being kept strictlyconfidential.
As an auditor, I employed this thought stopping technique on manyof my PCs. If they ever voiced a critical thought against someone inthe organization, I would immediately ask them, 'What have you done?'Hubbard described the O/W phenomenon in detail, in a way that seemedto make sense to me at the time. According to Hubbard, this is how itgoes: A person commits an overt against the group. Man, however, isbasically good, even the most corrupt person. When a person commitsan overt, because he is good, he feels that he has to separate himselffrom the group so he won't continue to harm them. This act ofseparation causes the person to be critical of the group so he canconvince himself that the group is bad and thus, individuate (asHubbard calls it) from it. Through his criticism of the group, theperson then justifies the act of leaving, or 'blowing'.
When a person stops his critical thoughts about Scientology byasking 'What overts have I committed?', it takes his attention offwhat is wrong with Hubbard and Scientology and turns it back in onhimself. This greatly hampers a person's ability to think rationallyand objectively about Scientology because any critical thoughts arestopped dead in their tracks, no matter how legitimate.
If you are ever involved in an intervention with someone who issteeped in the doctrine of Scientology, you can be certain that asdoubts began to creep up fromthe information you give him, he will be asking himself, 'What overtshave I committed?', whether he voices this thought or not.
These are only a few of the many loaded Scientology terms. For amore complete list, I suggest looking at a Scientology dictionary anddiscussing with an ex-member how these terms are used to enslavepeople.
Alienation from the Outside World
Another mind control technique used very early on in Scientology isto give a very dreary view of the world outside of Scientology.Non-Scientologists are referred to as 'Wogs' or 'Raw Meat' and werelooked down upon as being on a very low level of spiritualdevelopment. The outside world is referred to as the wog world, whichwas a dreary place filled with people who were controlled by theirreactive minds (the abberated part of their minds) and therefore in asemi-conscious daze. True happiness and fulfillment was impossiblefor a wog. I can remember very early on in my involvement inScientology, reading about people who left Scientology and attacked itwho were so guilt-ridden that they went insane or got sick and died --all propaganda to make sure we never left or spoke out againstScientology. I vowed that I would never leave Scientology and it wasinconceivable that I would ever speak out or write publicly againstScientology. My cult self would have been horrified at what I amdoing right now.
The idea of retribution for leaving was so firmly indoctrinatedinto my mind that it affected me eleven and a half years after leavingthe group, since I hadwalked out of the cult without receiving any exit counselling. Atthat time, I read Bent Corydon's book, L. Ron Hubbard, Messiah orMadman, which to my amazement, contained many events that I hadpersonally experienced. I had a strong desire to write to him so Icould get in touch with some of the people he mentioned in the bookwho had been in Scientology with me and had since left. I wrote theletter, but I never sent it because I had terrifying thoughts ofretribution. What if someone broke into Bent Corydon's home and foundmy letter and came after me? That same week, I caught a terriblecold, which subconsciously made me feel I was being punished for myintentions. I decided I'd better put the whole thing out of my mind,which I halfway managed to do. It wasn't until several months later,when I read a book called Combatting Cult Mind Control, bySteven Hassan that I realized the extent of the mind control I hadbeen under and decided it was time to fight for my constitutionalright of free speech. I may incur threats from Scientologists, but Irealize that the only way to stop the insanity that is continuallygetting worse in this group is for people to refuse to be intimidatedand to speak out.
I Begin My First Steps on the 'Bridge to Total Freedom'
By the spring of 1971, I had finished the Dianetics course and wasofficially certified as a Dianetic auditor, the first level of anauditors training. Dianetic auditing deals with psychosomaticillnesses and unwanted emotions by having the PC re-experiencetraumatic experiences from his past, through a very specific processthat takes the PC back in time. This is, of course, a very simplifiedexplanation. A detailed description of Dianetics is presented in thebook, Dianetics, the Modern Science of Mental Health, by L. RonHubbard. Modern Dianetic auditing technique is somewhat differentfrom that described in the book, but the basic theory is the same.
Scientology has a detailed chart, describing the levels a persongoes through in Scientology and exactly what results are promised uponcompletion of each level. There are two routes a person can go: 1) betrained as an auditor on each level and co-audit the Dianetic andScientology processes with another student auditor or intern, or 2) bestrictly a PC and pay to be audited on each grade, by the hour. Theadvanced courses are audited solo, meaning the PC audits himself,underthe direction of a case supervisor. When I was involved inScientology, auditing cost $50 an hour. On Flag, it was $100 an hour.Now, auditing is much more expensive.
Since I was interested in becoming both an auditor and a PC, Ichose to do the training route. The Dianetics course was $500 andincluded co-auditing with another student. The next step in mytraining was called the Academy Levels, which cost $1,000 at the time.This course would train me to audit the Scientology grades (0-IV).Each grade dealt with a specific area and had a promised result or endphenomenon (called 'EP', for short). For example, on Grade 0, thepromised EP is the ability to communicate with anyone on any subject.One of the processes on that level was for the auditor to make up alist of topics the PC might be uncomfortable in discussing and ask,'What are you willing to tell me about (topic)?' and 'Who else couldyou say those things to?' The PC answers each question, the auditoracknowledges the answer and repeats the questions. This cycle iscontinued until the end phenomenon of the process occurs. The endphenomenon of every process in auditing consists of three things: 1) afloating needle on the E-meter ('FN'), which is a reaction that issupposed to indicate that the preclear's mind is free with regard tothat subject; 2) an insight, or 'cognition' ('Cog'), as it is calledin Scientologese; and 3) Very good indicators ('VGIs'), whichbasically means that the PC looks happy. When the PC has attained theend phenomenon of a particular process, the auditor can then go on toanother process or end the session. Each grade consists of manyprocesses. After each session, the PC is checked out on the E-meterby another person, called the examiner. The examiner notes theE-meter reaction, which should be a floating needle and how the PClooks. The auditor then writes up a full report of the session(including a running record of what the PC said in session that wasrecorded by the auditor during the session), attaches the exam reportand sends it to the case supervisor ('CS'), who evaluates the sessionand decides what the next action should be. If the PC has VGIs and anFN at the exam and the auditor has run the processes correctly, the CSgives the session a 'Very Well Done'. If the PC looked unhappy at theexam (referred to as a 'bad exam report' or 'BER') or had any E-meterreaction other than a floating needle, it is always assumed thatthe auditor did something wrong and is sent back to review thematerials. This is called cramming. The CS would write in theinstructions, 'Flunk, Auditor to Cramming'and list what materials must be studied. The folder is thenred-tagged and the PC must be taken back in session with in 24-hoursand the 'mistake' corrected. If the auditor makes too many mistakes,he can be sent back to redo the course and is sometimes sent to anethics officer, the person who is in charge of the disciplinary aspectof Scientology. In the franchise I worked at, auditors were neversent to ethics, but this was a very common occurrence on Flag, as Iwill describe in more detail at a later point.
It wasn't easy for me to get the $1,000 together to do my AcademyLevels, but I managed to scrape it together, being determined as Iwas. The academy levels were not offered in franchises, so I had togo to a higher org. I did Level 0 at the Las Vegas Org. While I wasin Las Vegas, I attended a Scientology conference. It was at thisconference that I first heard about the Sea Org, the inner sanctum ofScientology.
My First Contact with the Sea Org
Joining the Sea Org is the ultimate commitment to Scientology. Tojoin the Sea Org, a person signs a one billion year contract. Sea Orgmembers work in the larger and more advanced Scientology organizationsaround the world and, in exchange receive room and board and a smallallowance ($10 a week, at the time). From these Sea Org members, avery elite group was selected to live on the Flagship Apollo,the home of L. Ron Hubbard. Flag was described to me as 'the sanestspace on earth'. Sea Org members believed that they had workedtogether before in past lives and were now together once again. Themotto of the Sea Org is 'We come back.' The goal of the Sea Org wasto 'clear the planet', meaning to make this a Scientology planet.After planet earth was cleared, we would go into outer space, infuture lives, and spread Scientology throughout the galaxy. From thetime I first heard about the Sea Org, it was my dream to live aboardthe Flagship with Hubbard and be an auditor there. I knew thatsomeday I would reach that goal; it was only a question of when.
In May of 1971, I flew out to Los Angeles with my friend, Ginger,to find out more about joining the Sea Org. We visited theheadquarters in Los Angeles, which served as a liaison office betweenFlag and the land-based orgs. The location ofFlag was kept secret and no one was allowed to directly communicatewith people on Flag. All communication had to go through the FlagLiaison Office ('FOLO'). Most of the staff at FOLO didn't even knowthe location of Flag. The reason for all this secrecy was thatHubbard was extremely paranoid about people who were out to get him,especially United States government organizations, such as the IRS andCIA. All this mystery added to my sense of romance and adventureabout being on Flag.
At FOLO, I saw very busy people who seemed very dedicated to whatthey were doing. I felt I had been a part of this group in pastlifetimes and felt an immediate urge to join. I spoke to a recruiter,a red-haired woman about 25 years old named Brenda. I told Brendaabout my feelings for the group and she supported them further bysaying what a strong, purposeful group it was. It never occurred tome, at this point, to bring up things such as food, living conditionsor schedules. I considered such things mundane. I did, however, haveone concern that I voiced to her. I wanted to know if I would be ableto get trained as an auditor in the Sea Org since, at the time, I wasonly a Dianetic auditor. Not being very advanced at the time, I wasconcerned that I would be given a menial job and not be able to train,but she gave me the impression that I could.
I was all set to join, but being under 21, I needed my parents'written permission to join. That night, I called my parents longdistance, collect, from my hotel room. My parents refused to sign anda big screaming match ensued over the phone for about an hour. I wasfurious with them and they sharply criticized Scientology. Needlessto say, this did not help to promote good relations between us. WhenI hung up, I cried all night. I felt so frustrated and angry withthem. I was more determined than ever to stay in Scientology, even ifI couldn't join the Sea Org. I was determined that my parents'refusal to let me join would only be a temporary setback and that whenI was 21, I would join.
A few months later, I managed to convince my parents to signpermission for me to join. I'm not sure how I managed this, but Ithink they saw how much their criticism of Scientology had alienatedme from them and felt that if there was any hope for any kind of arelationship with me at all, they'd better keep their criticalthoughts to themselves and do what I wanted. I'm sure it was a verydifficultdecision for them to make, especially without anyone around they couldturn to for advice.
The second time I returned to FOLO in July of 1971, I intended tojoin, but two factors changed my mind. First, this time, I saw theterrible living conditions under which staff members at FOLO lived.They lived in a rundown house that looked as if it should have beencondemned by the Board of Health. There were about eight people to aroom and they slept in a dingy basement on filthy mattresses. Ivisited the galley, where the food was prepared and that furtherappalled me. The people preparing the food were peeling the outerleaves off slimy rotten lettuce that was ridden with maggots. I askedthem how they could eat such rotten food and they didn't seem at allconcerned. My thought at the time was that if Hubbard knew about theterrible living conditions at FOLO, he would be very angry. I hadalways thought that Scientology respected the dignity of each person,no matter how low their position -- a quality that was certainlylacking at FOLO.
The second reason I decided not to join was that they would notpromise me I could train as an auditor. I would have to take whateverjob was given to me, which, given my current bevel of training, wouldhave been menial, such as being a filer in the mimeo department or,God forbid, a worker in the kitchen. Since I had set definite goalsfor myself that did not include taking such a position, I decided thatthe best thing for me to do was to wait to join the Sea Org until Ihad reached a higher level of training as an auditor. This wouldvirtually guarantee me a good position in the Sea Org as an auditor.I would pay for my training on my own, outside of the Sea Org. In theSea Org, members were trained and audited free of charge.
My plan was to remain on staff at the franchise as an auditor,making intermittent trips to higher orgs to be trained as an auditor,at my own expense. That summer, I continued my training on theAcademy Levels at the org in Los Angeles.
TRs the Hard Way
As a part of each level of training as an auditor, we were requiredto do TRs (Training Routines). The purpose of TRs was to teach theauditors to be in good communication with the PC. The first, mostbasic TR was called TR-0. In TR-0, the auditor is required to sitface-to-face with another person (in this case, another student),maintaining eye contact and 'just be there'. No twitches, movements,breaks in eye contact, or even thinking is permitted. To pass thisdrill, we had to do this for a period of two hours. I had done TRs onearlier courses and normally it was no problem for me to pass TR-0.However, that summer, Hubbard got the bright idea that we all had todo TR-0 without blinking. This had always been in the instructions,but no one had taken it literally before this. Hubbard called TR-0without blinking, TRs the hard way. He should have called it TRs, theimpossible way. Going without blinking for two hours is, for allpractical purposes, physically impossible so the courses soon filledup with people who could not get past TR-0. The supervisor kept aclose eye on us and if we blinked, we would have to begin the 2 hoursall over again. For about 2 months, I spent up to 12 hours a day,along with hundreds of others, trying to pass TR-0. Doing TR-0 forthis long had the effect of putting me into a trance state, similar tothe state people go into when they meditate for long periods of time.Sometimes, I lost all sense of time and felt completely separate frommy body. At other times, I felt very frustrated at being unable topass. Deep down, I felt this was ridiculous, but LRH had ordered itand no one dared to question an LRH order. Whenever I had doubts, Itold myself that I hadn't understood the real purpose of the drill andthat I should persist. Occasionally, someone would pass, which gavecredibility to the farce. I'm sure these people didn't go for twohours without blinking; their blinking was simply missed by thesupervisor who, after all, couldn't catch every single instance.
After a few months, someone, probably Hubbard, realized thatScientology was losing money on TRs the hard way because people werestuck on courses, unable to move on and, thus, pay for their nextlevel. The rules for TR-0 were finally relaxed and we were allowed toblink, as long as the other requirements for the drill were met.Because I had been in LA for so long, I decided to return to thefranchise in Salt Lake City for awhile and work as an auditor beforecontinuing my training.
In December, 1971, I went to San Francisco to complete my AcademyLevels. The course was very intensive, beginning at 9:00 AM andending at 10:30 PM, with short breaks for meals. I could have donethe course only during the day, but I wanted to get through it faster,so I chose this schedule. As part of the course, I audited someone toGrade IV. He was a wonderful preclear, who was very insightful andthrilled with the results of his auditing. Even though San Franciscowas a higher level organization than the franchise in Salt Lake City,there was still not the heavy discipline of auditors at the time thatexisted on Flag. If I made a mistake, I was simply sent back toreview the materials. I had no problem getting through the course.
I returned, once again, to the Salt Lake City franchise as a ClassIV auditor, which made me very valuable to them because I could nowdeliver any auditing service that the franchise was able to offerpeople.
I spent the winter and spring of 1972 living in Salt Lake City andworking as an auditor for the franchise, a job I enjoyed. At thispoint, no one tried to control my personal life. What I did in myspare time was considered to be my business. For the most part, I gotalong well with the rest of the staff. One friend of mine, an artistnamed Steve, had gone to LA and done the advanced course up to a levelcalled OT III. OT stands for operating thetan. Thetan is theScientology word for spirit. An operating thetan is a thetan who isable to operate without the need of a body and has control over thephysical universe, which consists of matter, energy, space and time.Hubbard believed that the physical universe was entirely a creation ofthe thetan and reality, according to Hubbard, was what a group ofthetans agreed upon. Hubbard never mentioned the concept of God, eventhough Scientology was called a 'church'. The highest level of OT atthe time I was in Scientology was OT VIII and the EP was supposed tobe that the person was 'at cause over matter, energy, space and time'.OT VIII had not yet been released (how convenient!), but we were toldthat it was to be released in the near future. Today, Scientologistsare enticed by even higher OT levels that are promised to be releasedsomeday.
The materials of all the OT levels were keep secret, but OT III wassupposed to be the big one. No one is allowed to see the materials ofan OT level until theyhave completed all levels up to that one. We were told that ifsomeone looked at the OT III materials before they were ready, theywould go insane and eventually die. Steve told me that OT III wasjust incredible; that after looking at the materials, he understoodthings that he had wondered about all his life. OT III explainedeverything! Naturally, I was very curious to find out what OT III wasall about and was very eager to get enough money together to do theadvanced courses. This is exactly the effect Hubbard had intended tohave on people by making OT III such a mystery.
By June, 1972, I had saved up enough money to go back to LA andtake my next level of training, which was called the Saint HillSpecial Briefing Course. This course was originally taught by Hubbardat Saint Hill Manor in England and consisted largely of taped lecturesfrom the original course. Upon completion of that course, I would beconsidered a highly trained auditor -- a Class VI. While I was in LA,I also got audited on Grade V, Power, and went on to do Grade VI (thefirst advanced course, which is audited solo) and then the ClearingCourse, where I attained the state of Clear. The promised EP of Clearwas to be at cause over mental matter, energy, space and time. Thismeans that I would be at cause over the contents of my own mind, butnot necessarily what went on in the physical world. The OT levels,which came after Clear, were designed for that purpose. On October 8,1972, I attained the state of Clear. On this level I came to therealization that I, myself, had created the contents of my mind andcould, therefore, be in control of it. I felt extremely powerful andexhilarated and wanted to share my joy with everyone around me. Ibelieved that the best way for me to do this was to dedicate myselffully to Scientology and join the Sea Org. When I returned to SaltLake City in October, 1972, I knew that I would soon return to LA andmake this final commitment.
OT III
OT III was the last thing I wanted to do before signing my onebillion year Sea Org contract, so in January, 1973, I went to LA to domy OT levels through OT III. The Advanced Organization of Los Angeles(AOLA) was the only place in the U.S. where these courses wereoffered. These advanced levels are audited solo, meaning the preclearaudits himself, with the aid of an E-meter. OT III, at thattime, cost about $850 and I stayed in an apartment across the streetfrom AOLA while I was auditing this level.
It seems incredible to me now that I accepted, without question,the materials of the advanced courses, particularly OT III. It justdemonstrates how thoroughly indoctrinated I was at the time. I neverheard of one case where someone saw the OT III materials and rejectedthem as a fantasy. That only shows what an expert Hubbard was when itcame to indoctrination. The OT III materials were kept secret for avery good reason, that reason being that if someone were to see the OTIII materials too early in the indoctrination process, they wouldnever believe it and probably dismiss Scientology as ridiculous. Tothe horror of Scientologists, there are now two books out that revealthe OT III materials, the first one written by Bob Kaufman in 1972 andthe second one written recently by Bent Corydon.
A word of caution: Scientologists are told that if they see the OTIII materials before they are 'ready', they will go insane, not beable to sleep, get sick and eventually die, and they believe it! Forthis reason, I would not suggest revealing OT III materials to aperson during an exit counselling if they haven't seen them, notbecause it is true, but because the suggestion that they will goinsane might act upon them as a post-hypnotic suggestion and theymight respond to it by actually 'getting sick' or even going insane.In my opinion, it simply isn't worth the risk.
At the time I did OT III, the entire level was audited solo, unlessrepairs were needed. Today, there is much more involved in doing OTIII and a person can spend thousands of dollars getting audited onthis level. It took me about two weeks of daily solo auditing to getthrough OT III. The EP that was promised to us was return of fullself-determinism, which I attested to. I felt like I had the world inthe palm of my hand and I felt, on an even deeper level, that mymission was to join the Sea Org so I could commit myself more fully tomaking this a Scientology planet.
Little did I know that self-determinism of any kind was impossiblein the Sea Org and that every waking moment of my time was to becontrolled by the whims of L. Ron Hubbard or some other Sea Orgofficer. I was about to find out what Scientology was really allabout.
The Sea Org
In February, 1973, I returned to Salt Lake City to get the rest ofmy belongings together and move to LA, where I would be joining theSea Org as an AOLA staff member. This time, since I was an OT III,Class VI auditor, doors were open to me as a Sea Org member that wouldnot have been open previously when I had very little training andauditing. My training and experience as an auditor were considered tobe of great value to the Sea Org and I would immediately be given aposition as an auditor, with opportunities to train to the highestlevel possible, free of charge.
When I told Deon, the franchise holder in Salt Lake City, that Iwas joining the Sea Org, she was very angry at me. She accused me ofbeing an opportunist, using the franchise as a stepping stone to getwhat I wanted. I felt badly about what she said, since we had oncebeen very close, but I also realized that I had a right to move on.After all, I had paid for my own training and auditing outside thefranchise and didn't feel I owed her anything. In retrospect, I thinkshe was upset because she knew what the Sea Org was really like andwhat would be in store for me. She knew several leaders inScientology and had heard the stories of the heavy ethics. She hadprobably had a taste of it herself, having studied at Saint Hill inthe late 1960s. Of course, she didn't dare criticize the Sea Org tome. She just said that she was 'not an org person' and wouldn'telaborate further.
In late February, 1973, I returned to LA and finally signed thecontract for one billion years. Even though I was very excited, I hada bad gut feeling about the group. I explained it away by saying thatthings would be better on Flag. Right after joining, I came down witha bad cold and laryngitis, so I stayed in a hotel for a week beforemoving in with the group. During that time, I felt weepy anddepressed, but I paid no attention to my feelings and quicklydismissed any thoughts I might have had that I made a mistake injoining the Sea Org.
When I got better, I moved into one of the houses where the staffmembers lived. Right from the start, I was difficult andargumentative. At first, I was shown to a small room where fourpeople lived in bunk beds. I refused to stay there, so I waseventually given a larger room that I shared with just one otherperson. Refusing accomodations was not something that was normallydone or accepted in the Sea Org, but I got away with it because of theclout I had as a highly trained auditor and OT. When a Scientologistwho has not attained the state of Clear and OT is faced with an OT,they are usually in awe and go into a kind of trance state. At thetime, I was not aware of this phenomenon on a conscious level, but,subconsciously, I picked it up and used it to get what I wanted. OnFlag, however, this was not the case because there were so many clearsand OTs and being around one didn't phase anyone.
My job as a staff member at AOLA was to audit clears and OTs whoneeded additional auditing to supplement and repair the auditing thatthey had already received so they would be prepared to auditthemselves on the advanced levels. One of the people that I auditedwas Anne Burgess, a top level person in the Guardian's Office, whichwas run by Mary Sue Hubbard, L. Ron Hubbard's wife. Anne and Ideveloped a very good rapport and she was very pleased with theauditing she received from me. Word of her auditing got back to MarySue, who personally invited me to come to Flag and to train as a Flagauditor. I considered it a great honor to be singled out by the wifeof L. Ron Hubbard. Going to Flag to live on the ship with Hubbard andthe elite of the Sea Org had been a dream of mine for two years -- adream that I had worked very hard and had overcome many obstacles torealize. My dream was finally about to come true.
The Flagship Apollo
In May, 1973, I left for the Flagship Apollo, 'the sanestplace on the planet', I had been told many times. After gettinginoculations for small pox and cholera, I flew to New York City whereI was met by someone who told me what my destination was to be:Lisbon, Portugal. All this secrecy enhanced my sense of adventure andexcitement. In Lisbon, I met someone else, who put me on a plane toOporto, Portugal. I was told never to mention Scientology to anyoneoutside of the ship. We were to use the official 'shore story', whichwas that we were company executives being trained by a managementcorporation, called Operation Transport Corp. ('OTC', which was aPanamanian Corporation), which offered business courses aboard theship.
I arrived in Oporto in the afternoon and was taken to the ship,which was at anchor at the time. Upon boarding the ship, someone tookmy passport away from me, which was to be locked up in a safe that Ihad no access to. I was so excited about being on Flag, I didn't evenquestion this action, assuming there must have been a good reason.There was: taking our passports made it very hard for us to leave, butthat was not a reason I thought of at the time. After a brief medicalcheck, I was given linen and shown to my quarters, which was a dark,dingy room below decks with bunk beds stacked in three tiers. About50 women lived in this dormitory, which was very stuffy. A similarmen's dormitory was across the hall. By that time, I had been up formore than 24 hours and was fully feeling the effects of jet lag, aswell as the Cholera shot I had received, so I was in somewhat of adaze. I vaguely remember asking someone if there were any betteraccomodations aboard, but of course, there weren't; not for me. OnFlag I wasn't anyone special. I was an intern training to be a Flagauditor and there were many people aboard the ship who were as or morehighly trained than I was. The only people on the ship who gotprivate cabins were married couples and very high ranking officers,and even those quarters were very small and cramped, with barelyenough room in most of them for a bed and a small sink. I resignedmyself to the fact that the women's dorm is where I would be living,which was a very noisy place, with 50 people sharing the space. Forsome reason, the particular bunk I had was surrounded by wooden boardson three sides, making me feel as if I were enclosed in a coffin. Iwas exhausted and was allowed to sleep until noon the next day. WhenI awoke, I was very drowsy and disoriented. For a few horrifyingmoments, I couldn't find my way out of the bunk and felt as if I wastrapped in a coffin. The dorm was pitch dark. Finally, I became morefully conscious and found my way out. In spite of the dingy livingquarters, I was very excited to be on Flag.
I was given a briefing in more detail on the shore story we were totell outsiders. No one, not even other Scientologists outside ofFlag, was to know the location of the ship. If someone wanted towrite to us, they had to write to the address of the liaison office,either in LA or New York and the letters were forwarded to us fromthese offices. This meant everyone, including parents. I'm sure myparents were frantic, not knowing where I was, but I didn't thinkabout that at the time. My parents seemed very far away.
I was taken on a brief tour of the ship. Directly above thedormitories, still below decks was a lounge called the aft lounge(being located in the aft part of the ship). It was fairly large andduring mealtimes, makeshift tables were put between rows of chairs andthe lounge was used as a dining room for some of the crew. I noticedteen-age girls ironing clothes. These girls would do nothing butiron and wash clothes all day. Later I found out that they were intraining to be personal messengers to LRH. Once they made it to theposition of LRH messenger, these girls were extremely cocky, drunk onthe power that LRH gave them. Some of these girls are now in theirlate 20s and among the top executives in Scientology today.
Just behind the aft lounge was a room where the chain locker was.The chain locker is the place where the chain to the anchor of theship is kept when the ship if not at anchor, a very small dark place.Many times I saw people being locked up in the chain locker aspunishment. I'll never forget the first time I saw this. Somemessengers had locked up a terrified young teenage boy in the chainlocker. His punishment was to spend the night there. I didn't knowwhat he was being punished for, but the whole incident made my bloodrun cold. I'll never forget the terrified look in that boy's eyes.Whenever I think about the current leadership of the church, whichconsists mainly of people who were raised in such an atmosphere, I canonly feel pity for these people, who are really just frightenedchildren. As badly as I felt about what I witnessed, I shut it out ofmy mind, explaining it away by saying that LRH could not possibly haveknown about it.
The Flag Auditor's Internship
Shortly after my briefing, I was taken to the internship courseroom, where I was introduced to a supervisor, a stern, prim and properwoman in her mid-thirties with a serious pale freckled face and lightbrown hair that was tightly pulled back into a ponytail. She rarelysmiled and I don't ever recall hearing her laugh. Life on Flag was adeadly serious affair. There were signs posted in the classroomsaying something like (I don't recall the exact wording) 'All I expectis perfection' and 'The only exception to the rule that there are noabsolutes is the Flag auditor', quotes from LRH. Our time was spenteither studying materials, doing TRs or auditing preclears. Therewere about 10-15 interns on the ship who, like myself,had come from outer orgs to Flag for the purpose of being highlytrained as Flag auditors and returning to our orgs. Our days werelong, starting at 8:30 AM and ending at 10:30 PM. If our stats wereup, meaning if we were doing well, we were allowed one day off everytwo weeks.
Every morning, all of the interns and auditors would assemble for amuster and we would recite, in unison the points of 'KeepingScientology Working' from a policy letter by L. Ron Hubbard. Some ofthese points were:
'Having the correct technology.'
'Applying the correct technology.'
'Hammering out of existence incorrect technology.'
'Closing the door on any possibility of incorrect technology.'
'Closing the door on incorrect applications.'
In the same policy letter, Hubbard had said, 'It's a tough universeand only the tigers survive.' Flag, I was to learn very quickly, wasa tough universe indeed!
Each day we were assigned PCs, usually staff members, to audit.Since I was OT III some of the people I audited were in highpositions. One of the first people I audited was a kind, middle-agedwoman who was head of a division and had been on the ship since thelate 1960s.
A PC's entire auditing history is recorded, session by session, andput into folders. My first task, when I was assigned a particular PC,was to study that person's auditing folders in order to familiarizemyself with the case. This particular woman had been on the shipsince the late 1960s when discipline was very harsh. At that time,any auditor who made a mistake was ordered by LRH to be thrownoverboard into freezing cold water. This woman had been thrownoverboard, an event that was recorded in her folder, since she had todeal with this humiliating trauma in her auditing sessions. Onceagain, deep down, I was appalled that LRH would order such a thing,but I didn't allow myself to think about it. Having a criticalthought about LRH would be considered a crime of the highestmagnitude. I was very glad, however, that the practice ofoverboarding had been discontinued due to the bad PR it created withthe locals.
In 1973, we were not thrown overboard, but plenty of other wayswere invented to punish and humiliate us if our auditing wasn't up topar. If a PC had a bad exam report, meaning no floating needle at theexam (see my earlier description of the auditing process), the auditorwas always to blame. The auditor is sent back to review earliermaterials to see what was misunderstood. It was unthinkable to saythat the auditing process didn't work. LRH's tech 'always works'. Ifresults are not achieved, it is the auditor's and sometimes the casesupervisor's fault, never the tech's because the tech was created byLRH and LRH never makes mistakes. In the case of a bad exam report,the folder is red-tagged and the PC must be taken back in sessionwithin 24 hours and the mistake corrected.
If an auditor goofs up too much or if LRH or whoever is in chargeis in a bad mood, ethics is applied; to put it more simply, theauditor is punished. One of the ways in which an auditor or any otherstaff member in Scientology can be punished is to be assigned a lowerethics condition. Every staff member is assigned an ethics condition,each week, according to how well he does his job. His performance ismeasured by statistics ('stats'). For example, the statistic of arecruiter might be the number of people per week recruited into theorg. The statistic for an auditor is the number of well done auditinghours. A person's statistic is expected to go up each week. If aperson's stats are high, he is assigned an upper condition, such asnormal operation, affluence or power and granted privileges, such ashaving a day off every two weeks. If a person's stats are down, he isassigned a lower condition, such as emergency, danger, non-existenceor below. Each condition has a formula, which must be applied.Whenever a person starts a new job, he is considered to be in acondition of non-existence and must follow the formula, which is: 1)Find a communication line; 2) Make yourself known; 3) Find out whatis needed and wanted; and 4) Do or produce it. Once this formula iscompleted, the person is upgraded to the next level until, hopefully,he attains normal operation or above.
If a person does something that is considered to be harmful to thegroup, he is assigned an ethics condition below non-existence. Indescending order, these are: liability, doubt, enemy, treason andconfusion. Along with doing the formulas forthese conditions, the person is required to do extra work in his sparetime (which means meal or sleep time) to make amends. On Flag it wasvery easy to be assigned a lower condition, especially for auditorsand people on LRH's personal staff.
The Commodore Arrives
When I first arrived aboard Flag in May, 1973, Hubbard was notaboard. Nobody but a few people knew where he was. Years later, Ifound out that he had been living in Queens, New York with two otherpeople. When Hubbard returned in September, discipline increased. Iwas very excited about Hubbard's return and seeing him in person forthe first time. He kept his distance from most of the people aboardthe ship, even top leaders who had come to Flag for training fromouter orgs. He rarely spoke to anyone, except for his messengers andhis top aides who worked directly under him. Sometimes, however, hewould say hello to me when we passed. I would say 'Hello, Sir' and hewould nod in acknowledgement of my greeting.
I had thought that things would improve on the ship with Hubbard'sarrival; perhaps, get more humane. I couldn't have been moremistaken. We, as Flag interns, were about to get a good strong tasteof what it was like to be so close to 'source'. (LRH was oftenreferred to as Source). Several new disciplinary policies wereinstituted within a few weeks of his arrival.
There were several personnel changes in our department. JeffWalker, a Class 12 auditor from New Zealand was made internsupervisor; David Mayo, also a Class 12 from New Zealand was madeSenior Case Supervisor; Quentin Hubbard and Russ Meadows were casesupervisors under David; and Cathy Cariotaki was made Tech Sec, theexecutive in charge of the Technical Division, the division that dealtwith auditing. Cathy Cariotaki presided over a new ritual that wasinvented as punishment for auditors who goofed up -- the ritual ofsacrifice to the goddess Kali, goddess of death and destruction. Analter, with a hideous painting of Kali over it was built in theinternship classroom. If an auditor had a bad exam report, thefollowing ceremony would take place in a candlelit room:
A chorus of other interns and auditors would sing a hymn to thegoddess Kali, sung to the tune of 'Rock of Ages'. The offender wouldcome forward and kneel before the alter and say he/she was aworshipper of the goddess Kali and wanted chaos, death anddestruction. The person was then given a knife and a fake preclearand told to 'stab the preclear', at which time the person had tothrust the knife into the folder. I had to participate in such aceremony twice. It was very humiliating and upsetting. We all deeplyresented what was happening, but nobody dared to speak up or refuse toparticipate. Such refusal would probably result in getting kicked offthe ship in disgrace, a fate worse than any punishment. By that time,I had been so thoroughly indoctrinated in Scientology propaganda, thatto be outside of Scientology was to live in a hell on earth and thatmy soul would be condemned to a very low level of existence for alleternity. Ultimately, I had to go along with any punishment that wasmeted out, although, at times, I fought hard against it. I becameknown as a troublemaker on the ship, because if I saw something Ididn't like, I spoke up. I got into trouble more times than anyone onthe ship, it seemed. There was still a part of me that had not beenconquered that was fighting the manipulation inflicted upon us andthat part of me was furious. Here I was on Flag, having reached agoal I had worked very hard for and that dream had become a livinghell. I was emotionally, mentally and spiritually devastated.
This devastation took its toll on me for years after leaving thegroup. When I first joined, I had been a bright, adventurous18-year-old with high ideals and shining goals on the horizon of mylife. I was willing to give my all to achieving those goals. I justdidn't take no for an answer. If I had channeled all that energy intoa legitimate career for myself, I would have been well on my way to ahappy, rewarding life. However, all that vital energy was sucked upinto the whirlpool of a cult, dominated by a madman. I was drained.To me, subconsciously, success and achievement of my goals meantdevastation because that is what happened to me when I achieved mygoals in Scientology. For years after leaving Scientology, I couldn'tseem to get any sort of career off the ground. I would start topursue something, but never follow through. It is only now that I amgetting counselling from people who understand cult phenomena that Iam able to see what happened to me, put my life back together and geton with it.
Fortunately, there was a healthy part of me that fought very hardto stay alive and was never completely killed, but there was also mycult identity, which was equally strong. My cult identity condemnedthe healthy part of me for my outbursts. I was constantly askingmyself, 'What's wrong with me?' 'Why is it that everyone else seemsso content with their life on the ship and I feel so angry? There issomething very wrong with me, and I have got to wipe it out.'
Years later when I read accounts of other people in the samepredicament, I realized that I was not the only one on the ship whowas unhappy; I just expressed it more than other people. Recently, Ispoke with a woman who was one of the top auditors on Flag and hassince left Scientology. She never got into trouble, but, according towhat she said, she was not happy with the situation on Flag. Shehated the Kali ceremonies. To deal with it, she told herself that itwouldn't last. The Kali ceremonies didn't last for long, but therewas always another atrocity to replace the earlier ones.
It always amazed me and other people on the ship that I got awaywith saying so much without getting kicked out. One person whocouldn't stand me commented that I seemed to have 'nine lives' andthat I should have been kicked out long ago. It never happened,however. Even when I left, I was invited to come back a year laterwith no ethics penalties. I have a theory as to why this was thecase. Several years after leaving the group, I took a course onfamily therapy. I learned that in dysfunctional families, there isone member of the family who has symptoms and acts out, while the restof the family might seem normal. That person, usually a child, isseen as the sick one. Perhaps the child has attempted suicide, has adrug problem, or is having trouble in school. What is actuallyhappening, according to this theory, is that the child's behavior is asymptom of a dysfunction that exists in the family, as a whole. Byworking with the entire family, the child's problems can be greatlyalleviated. I think that this theory can be applied to dysfunctionalgroups, i.e., cults. Cults seem to have a few people around thatconstantly cause trouble and speak their mind, but don't get kickedout. I was playing such a role in Scientology. I was considered atroublemaker and, therefore, sick. In reality, however, I was reallyonly manifesting symptoms that were due to dysfunctional group. Thegroup, as a whole, seemed to have a need to have someone around to actout what, deep down, everyone was feeling. This is one reason why mybehavior was so upsetting to people in the group. I was expressingwhat they felt, but didn't want to admit to feeling, but at the sametime, the group needed for me to express these feelings. Myexpression served as an outlet for the group as a whole.
I observed this same phenomenon at work on a recent Sally JessyRaphael show on the Hare Krishnas. There was a woman on who was aformer member, who was always considered a troublemaker in the group.There were members of the Hare Krishnas in the audience, one of whomcommented to the woman, 'You always did exactly as you wanted in thegroup.' The woman answered that she felt she had been the only one tospeak up when she saw atrocities occurring, such as child abuse. Itappears that she played a similar role to the one I played inScientology. I would like to look at other groups to see if thisphenomenon exists.
Expressing emotions on behalf of the entire group did not make lifeeasy for me, to say the least. Things continued to get worse for me.One night, around midnight, I had just fallen asleep when we were allawakened and told we were to go to the classroom and write letters tothe paying public, telling them about how great things were on Flagand to invite them to come to the ship for auditing. After all I hadbeen through with the Kali ceremonies and other nonsense over the pastfew months, promoting Flag was the last thing I wanted to do! Thiswas the last straw for me. I completely lost control of my temper andblurted out, 'If I wrote the truth about how things were here, nobodywould want to come to Flag.' I was immediately assigned a conditionof Treason by Cathy Cariotaki. To speak in such a blasphemous wayabout the home of L. Ron Hubbard was considered an act of Treason tothe group. Free speech was not a right we enjoyed. I had to wear ared armband, identifying me as a traitor to the group and do amends inthe galley. Making a statement such as the one I had made wasunthinkable to most people in the group, but, deep down, I think manypeople were feeling the same way I was, but didn't dare admit it, evento themselves.
One might ask, if I was so aware of what was going on, then why didI stay? The truth was that I was just as indoctrinated as anyoneelse. I still believed very strongly in the purpose of Scientologyand my cult identity was very strong; it was just that the healthypart of me had not yet been suppressed and, as a result, I felt anintense inner conflict between my real identity and my cult identity.
Things continued to go downhill for me. One day, which happened tobe my 21st birthday, I had the morning off (just a coincidence, weweren't given time off on our birthdays). Were were on the island ofTenerife, which is one of the Canary Islands owned by Spain, locatedoff the coast of Africa. I went ashore to see the town and do someshopping. One of the things I most liked about being on the ship wasgetting to visit such exotic places. When I returned, I found outthat I was in trouble. It seemed that my PC had a bad exam report andI was not supposed to have left the ship before handling thesituation. I had to participate in a Kali ceremony. I can rememberthinking to myself, 'This is not how I ever expected to spend my 21stbirthday, a time when most people are out celebrating being officiallyan adult.' But then I chided myself for having such 'wog' thoughts,reminding myself that I had chosen to live an extraordinary life withan extraordinary purpose -- that of Scientology. After the ceremony,I was sent to spend four hours in the crows nest. The crows nest wasthe equivalent of at least a four story building and I had to climb upa very narrow ladder to get there. I felt shame, guilt and a greatdeal of anger. While I was climbing, I had the thought, 'All I haveto do is let go of the ladder and that would be it? What if I justlet go?' That thought really terrified me and I held on even tighter.I really didn't want to die. When I got up there, I was shaking allover. I was supposed to spend the four hours thinking about what Ihad done and writing up my overts and withholds. The view from upthere was beautiful, but I was too upset to enjoy it. I was dreadingthe climb back down, but I got through it.
Later that day, the ship sailed. It was a very rough trip and wewere lost for three days in a storm. I got very seasick and stayed inmy bunk the whole time, unable to get up, except to go to thebathroom. After a few futile attempts by Jeff Walker to get me out ofbed, nobody bothered me because everyone else was either in the samecondition or on watch. When we finally arrived, those of us who hadbeen seasick were severely chastised. From the first trip, I had beenprone to seasickness if the sea was at all rough and had been told itwas my fault I was seasick. Dramamine was made available to us, butif I took it I felt drowsy and spaced out, so I tried to avoid takingit. Besides, dramamine was a drug and taking any drugs, evenover-the-counter ones was frowned upon in Scientology. I sat throughmany sessions with preclears turning green, not knowing if I was goingto make it through the session. Somehow, I always managed to make it.I would endthe session and make it to the bathroom just in time to avoiddisaster.
Although things continued to get worse for me, there was one brightspot for me: the friendship that was developing between QuentinHubbard and myself. I got to know Quentin when we all did TRstogether and sometimes he would be my partner. Quentin and I likedeach other from the start. For one thing, we shared a sense of humorand that was unusual on the ship. We always found ways to make eachother laugh in a place where there was so little joy and laughter.
The RPF
In November, 1973, Hubbard came up with an idea to handletroublemakers, backsliders or anyone else aboard who happened todisplease him. He created the Rehabilitation Project Force (the'RPF'), the Sea Org's version of a prison camp. RPFers were to dohard physical labor all day and in the evenings were to audit oneanother to get off their overts and withholds and deal with their evilintentions. RPFers were not allowed to speak to a crew member in goodstanding, unless spoken to and had to wear black boiler suits. Theywere allowed to eat only after everyone else on the ship had finishedand were not allowed to leave the ship. Hubbard considered RPFers tobe psychotic criminals that should be grateful that he was giving thema chance to be rehabilitated. Isn't it strange that some ofScientology's top leaders today, including Pat Broeker and NormanStarkey have been on the RPF? Most Scientology executives have, atone time or another, been on the RPF.
Once Hubbard had conceived of the RPF, he had his assistants gothrough PC folders of everyone on board, looking for a particularE-meter read, called a rockslam. Rockslams, according to Hubbard,indicated that the person had committed high crimes againstScientology and was, therefore, psychotic. Anyone with a rockslamrecorded in his folder was a candidate for the RPF. We were alsogiven a personality test called the OCA. Anyone with a low scorecould also be sent to the RPF. In addition to these people, anyonewho was considered to have intentions contrary to that of the groupcould be sent to the RPF. I can remember one woman on Hubbard'spersonal household staff was sent to the RPF because he thought shewas trying to poison him. Actually, she worshipped the man and wouldhave sooner poisoned herself than him. People from the household unitwere RPFed with great regularity. The closer a person was to LRH, themore likely they were to eventually be sent to the RPF.
The whole process of deciding who was going to the RPF took abouttwo months. During that time, everyone aboard was quaking in theirboots. The air was thick with tension -- everyone was terrified atthe prospect of going to the RPF. I was particularly worried becauseI had gotten into trouble so often. I knew my name would be on thelist and I dreaded it, but I kept hoping that by some miracle I wouldnot be on the list.
On January 10, 1974, the list of people being sent to the RPF wasfinally released and, sure enough, I was on it, along with about 15other people. We were awakened early that morning and shown theethics order. I had been expecting it, but I was still in a state ofshock that it had actually happened to me, as were other people on thelist. I can remember one woman who had been on the list, immediatelystarted packing her suitcase, saying she wasn't going to stay andstand for this, but she ended up staying. Another one of the peopleon that original list of RPFers was Norman Starkey, who currentlyholds a very high position in Scientology. The number of people inthe RPF increased rapidly. It seemed that every day someone new wasbeing 'busted', as we liked to call it. There were several otherauditors and interns on the RPF.
It is difficult to describe the pain I felt that day. One moment,I would feel numb with shock and the next, I would burst intouncontrollable tears. The others in the RPF were going through thesame thing and within a few days, we developed a common bond ofempathy for one another. We had our own private RPF jokes and songs.This unity we felt, saved what little was left of our dignity andthere was a strong agreement among us that we would stick together andpull each other through. What happened among us is a great tribute tothe strength of the human spirit, although most of us wronglyattributed this positive unity to Hubbard and thanked him forinventing the RPF. Now I realize that that was about as ridiculous asit would be for a Jewish person who survived the holocaust to thankHitler for inventing concentration camps. We got through thisexperience on the RPF in spite of Hubbard, not because of Hubbard.
In a way, once we got over the initial shock, being on the RPF wasa relief to most of us because there were no more threats about beingsent to the RPF -- we were already there. We had hit bottom.
When we were first assigned to the RPF, we were told we couldcontest it by requesting a Committee of Evidence, Scientology'sversion of a trial. I had requested such a committee and my closefriend, Quentin Hubbard was assigned as Chairman of my committee andalso the committee of Lisa Zanda, another friend of his. He had nochoice but to find me guilty and uphold the decision that I remain onthe RPF. No other verdict would have been considered acceptable.
A few days later, Quentin was missing from the ship and a searchparty was sent out to find him. While the search party was out,Quentin came back aboard the ship and confessed to a messenger that hehad taken a whole bottle of pills. The messenger told his father andafter his stomach was pumped, he was put into isolation in his cabinfor about a month. He was not allowed to communicate with anyone,except his auditor. After that, he was assigned to the RPF.
When I saw Quentin, I forgot all about my troubles. He looked sothin and vulnerable. I vowed that I would protect him and get himthrough the RPF. In the RPF, people were paired off to audit oneanother and somehow I managed to be paired off with Quentin. Quentinand I also became the RPF case supervisors. Although RPFers were notnormally allowed to be on the deck that Quentin's cabin was on, he andI were given special permission to go to his cabin, study folders andaudit one another. That cabin became a haven for both of us. Eventhough Quentin was very run down, he was very brave. He never losthis sense of humor. We spent a lot of time together in his cabin,talking, laughing and eating peanut butter that he had taken from hisfamily food supply. Later, Quentin referred to these days as 'thepeanut butter days of the RPF'. Quentin and I hung in there for oneanother and developed an even closer bond of friendship. Humor,warmth and love were rare commodities aboard the ship, but ones whichQuentin and I shared in abundance. I have read many accounts thatdescribed Quentin as a miserable person. While I don't deny this, Isaw another side of Quentin; he was a person who, somehow, was able tocontinue to love, in spite of all the personal misery he wasgoing through. I'll never forget Quentin and the bond we shared. Henever abandoned me, even after I left Scientology. The last letter Ireceived from him was just two weeks before the day he went into acoma.
My LRH Commendation
When I graduated from the RPF in May of 1974, I was sent back tocomplete the internship and Quentin returned to his position as a Flagauditor. I quickly completed the internship requirements and became afull-fledged Flag Class VI auditor, which was a dream come true forme. The summer of 1974 was to be the high point of my time inScientology.
I was assigned a very difficult case to audit. The person was aScientology executive from South Africa who had previously beenDirector of Processing (the person in charge of the auditors) on Flagduring the same time I was an intern and getting into so much trouble.We didn't get along at all and here I was, assigned to audit him.While in South Africa, he had gotten into ethics trouble and had justgraduated from the RPF. Maybe assigning me to audit him was a way tofurther punish him, or maybe it was just a coincidence -- I don't knowwhat the powers that be were thinking when they assigned his case tome, but we turned the tables on them and surprised everyone, includingLRH. I knew that the first thing I had to do was to get him to trustme, so we could develop a rapport which was essential if the auditingwas to be at all successful. Somehow, we managed to work things outbetween us and his auditing went very well. By the time we hadfinished, he was glowing. The difference in his before and afterpersonality tests was dramatic and caught the attention of Hubbard.He sent down a memo, commending me on my auditing, delivered to me byone of his messengers, Anne (currently Anne Broeker). He said that Iwas to be held up as an example of what Flag auditing is all about.
This commendation had tremendous significance to me, as well as toothers. People who never gave me the time of day were all of a suddenvery nice to me. After all, Hubbard had said that 'Auditors are themost valuable beings on the planet' and Flag auditors are consideredto be the cream of the crop. To be held up as an example of an idealFlag auditor was to be at the top of the most elite group of people onthe planet. In my eyes at the time, we were the people whowould save the planet. I felt tremendous power.
Quentin and I continued to be good friends, spending a great dealof time together. We still spent a lot of time in his cabin, laughingtogether and playing with his tape recorder. We were always making upfunny little skits and commercials and taping them. Once, we justtaped ourselves laughing for several minutes and when we listened tothe tape, we laughed even harder. On our days off, we would often goashore together. Quentin loved to watch airplanes landing and takingoff at local airports. His real dream was to become a pilot, but hisfather had other plans for him. Quentin and I came very close togetting involved sexually, but we didn't because he told me thatseveral years earlier, he had become sexually involved with a youngwoman and she had been sent off the ship when his father found out.He didn't want to get me into that kind of trouble, so we remainedgood friends. He once told me that he had decided not to get marrieduntil he was 25 years old, an age he never reached. Regarding therumor that he was a homosexual, he told me that he used to tell thatto some of the women on the ship who were after him because of who hewas, just to get rid of them. If he did engage in homosexualrelationships later, it was probably because he was never allowed tohave a heterosexual relationship with anyone.
The Mission to New York
In August, 1974, I was sent to New York City on a six-week missionordered by Hubbard. This was considered to be a great honor. Mymission was to audit Molly Bornstein, the Commanding Officer of theFlag Liaison Office in New York and her husband, Al, also an executivethere. Unlike some Sea Org missions, our mission was a friendly one.Molly and Al weren't in any kind of trouble and were very happy thatan auditor was being sent from Flag especially to audit them. Twoother people accompanied me on the mission: Joan Robertson, a topScientology executive who was in charge of the mission and DavidEnglehardt, a staff member on Flag. I'm not sure what their purposewas, but it had something to do with helping the organization run moresmoothly.
We flew across the Atlantic from Lisbon to New York City. I hadbeen away from the United States for over a year and was very happy tobe returning for avisit. We stayed at the Hotel Alden on 81st Street and Central ParkWest, headquarters of the org. My accomodations felt very luxuriousto me. I had my own large private room and bath and we were given anallowance to eat all of our meals out in restaurants. The first nightwe ate at a diner in the neighborhood. I ordered a cheeseburger,fries and a hot fudge sundae. I had missed American food and feltlike I had died and gone to heaven! I had lost a lot of weight, dueto the hard physical labor when I was on the RPF and all the times Icouldn't eat anything because I was seasick. I was very thin andcould eat anything I wanted without fear of gaining too much weight.I remember sitting up on the roof, enjoying the view and eating awhole pint of Hagen Daz ice cream. I hadn't realized until then howhomesick I had been for the United States. I savored the simplestpleasures that most people take for granted, like being able to take abath and use as much water as I wanted. On the ship, we had to take30-second showers, due to the shortage of water.
Since we were from Flag, we were treated like royalty by the peoplein the org. After all, we were Hubbard's personal representatives, asFlag missionaires. Molly and Al turned out to be genuinely nicepeople. They showed us around New York City and we all had a greattime together. Molly and Al's auditing went well and the mission wasconsidered a success.
When I was in New York, my parents came to visit me. I had calledthem when I arrived in New York. It was the first time in over a yearthat I was able to tell them where I was, since the location of Flaghad to be kept a secret. When I told them where I was, theyimmediately flew to New York to visit me. My mother remarked that Ilooked very thin, but she seemed to be very happy to see me. I hadalso stopped wearing my glasses because I had convinced myself myeyesight had improved. I knew that my parents were concerned, butthey didn't criticize my involvement in any way, since they hadlearned that such tactics didn't work with me. No intervention, shortof deprogramming would have worked on me at that time because of thehigh I was on. I had been through a lot of pain, but at that point, Ifelt it had all been worth it. At the time, I thought that my baddays were all behind me and from here on I would soar to greater andgreater heights. As far as I was concerned, I was doing work that wasvital to the salvation of the planet. It was almost as if the painand suffering I had been through enhanced the high I was on thatsummer. I felt I had earned it!
The Rock Concert
In early September, 1974, I returned to the ship. When I arrived,I found out that Quentin was away on his annual three week vacation.I started on my next level of training, the Class VII course andinternship, which qualifies the auditor to audit a set of processescalled Power and Power Plus, designed to give the PC the ability tohandle power. At that time, Power was an important grade ofScientology, but today these processes are rarely, if ever used.
Shortly after my arrival, an event occurred on the ship, whichchanged things for us dramatically. We were on the island of Madiera,which is owned by Portugal. There had been political trouble in thatarea and a political coup had recently taken place in Lisbon. Itseemed that a group of communists in Madiera thought that the peopleaboard the ship were CIA and one afternoon, they threw rocks at theship, injuring several people. I missed this fiasco because Ihappened to be ashore at the time, along with several other peoplefrom the ship, including Mary Sue. My friend Karen and I had justbeen to a movie and were on our way back to the ship when we were metby some people who told us what had happened. We were taken to alocal disco to hide out until it was safe to return to the ship.Later that night, we were taken to the ship, which had gone out toanchor. This event, thereafter, became known as the 'rock concert'.Hubbard decided that we would sail across the Atlantic ocean to theUnited States, a voyage we began the next day. The trip across theocean was smooth and for once, I didn't get seasick. The ocean was assmooth as glass. I loved to stand above decks and just look at thevast expanse of ocean on all sides of me.
We were just off the shore of South Carolina when Hubbard waswarned that IRS agents were waiting on the docks to arrest Hubbard, sowe headed for Bermuda, where we stayed for several weeks.
This wonderful, peaceful voyage across the Atlantic, unbeknownst tome, was to be the calm before the storm. All hell was about to breakloose.
Here We Go Again -- Another Rollercoaster Ride
While we were in Bermuda, Quentin returned from his vacation anddropped a bombshell. It seemed that his father tried to hush it up,but Quentin told me the whole story in a very calm, detached way.According to what Quentin told me, he had decided to kill himselfagain and had constructed an elaborate plan for his suicide. He flewto New York and took a room at the Times Square Hotel. He then tookhis passport, which was his only form of ID, and hid it behind thebathroom mirror in his hotel room. He didn't want anyone to know thathe was the son of L. Ron Hubbard when his body was found. He thenflew to San Francisco, where he planned to jump off the Golden GateBridge, but when it came time for him to jump, he just couldn't do it.After that, he was found wandering around on a road when he wasstopped by police who were looking for someone who had committed acrime. They determined that Quentin didn't fit the description of thesuspect, but since he seemed confused and disoriented, they took himto a mental hospital. In order to protect his family's name, Quentinpretended to have amnesia. He was in an institution for about twoweeks when someone from Scientology tracked him down, at which pointQuentin 'regained his memory' of who he was and was released. He toldme this story in a very matter-of-fact tone of voice, as if he weretelling me about an innocuous vacation itinerary. I was horrified,and he noticed. He remarked that the expression on my face lookedlike the expression on his mother's face when he told her about it.Quentin and his mother were very close. In spite of all her otherfaults, Mary Sue really did love her children and Quentin seemed to beher favorite.
To this day, I don't know if it was L. Ron Hubbard or Mary Sue, butsomeone was very upset that Quentin told me what happened. DavidMayo, the Senior Case Supervisor, ordered me not to see Quentinanymore, without telling me who the order came from or why. I don'tthink the order originated with David. I asked him what was reallygoing on and he flatly refused to discuss the matter further. Davidand I had gotten along pretty well in the past, but he was very firmon this issue. So was I. I said that Quentin was my friend, he neededme and I was going to be there for him. I told him that my personallife was none of his business. We got into a big argument. David'swife, Merrill, a top auditor on Flag, tried to get me to shut up toprotect me, but I wouldn't back down. She knew I would get intotroubleif I made waves, and she was right. David warned me that if Icontinued to see Quentin, I would be sent to the RPF. I continued toargue with him, and he put me on a retread, which meant I had to goback and review certain materials as an auditor. He also had anethics officer talk to me, warning me of the consequences of havinganything further to do with Quentin. I was supposed to just followorders like a good little robot, but at that point, I still wasn'tcompletely brainwashed, so I refused. I defied the order and keptright on seeing Quentin. There was still nothing sexual going onbetween us, but other people thought that there was and that we werehiding it. One time I had made a joke to Quentin taking a shower withhim and somehow this came up in one of his auditing sessions and waswritten down, so I suppose David assumed that something was going on.I was incensed that my personal life was being interfered with andwasn't going to stand for it.
Meanwhile, I had finished my retread of course materials and wasback auditing on my Class VII internship. I was auditing anotherintern, Rick, on Power processes. His auditing went very well and hecompleted the grade before all the processes had been run. In Power,at the time, if the PC went exterior (meaning if he had an out of bodyexperience), he was considered complete on the grade and no more Powerprocesses or its companion, Power Plus were to be run. This was thecase with Rick, and he happily attested to completion of the grade.One week later, Rick came down with a cold and I, as his auditor, wasimmediately blamed and accused of 'out tech'. Hubbard personallyordered to see the folder, which was something he didn't often do.The folder was inspected by one of his teenage messengers, JillGoodman, who was not a trained auditor and didn't know the first thingabout what to look for. She told Hubbard that I hadn't taken thecorrect action to repair his Power Plus, which was a bald faced lie.The fact is, I hadn't even run Power Plus and so any action taken tocorrect that level would have been meaningless. Any auditor trainedas a Class VII could have seen that, but nobody seemed to want to getinvolved. The result was an ethics order from Hubbard, personallycancelling all of my certificates and ordering a Committee of Evidenceto be convened on me. I desperately tried to write to Hubbard toexplain that this PC had never received Power Plus and to please lookat the folder himself. I never received an answer.
At the time I blamed Jill Goodman for this travesty of justice but,spiteful as she was, I now see that she was just another victim ofHubbard's. Today, she is out of Scientology and realizes whathappened to her. In an interview with Russell Miller for his book,Barefaced Messiah, she said, 'We became poisonous littlewenches ... we had power and we were untouchable.' I certainly haveto agree with her statement, but I don't blame her anymore. The truththat I was unwilling to face at the time was that neither David Mayonor Jill Goodman were to be blamed for what happened. I am sure thatLRH was to blame and I think he was getting back at me for continuingto see Quentin. Some day I would like to talk to David Mayo and JillGoodman and find out exactly what went on.
An order for a Committee of Evidence from LRH was considered aserious matter. Every charge in the book was thrown at me andBarbara, the woman who was appointed Chairman of my Committee ofEvidence, was well known on the ship to be someone who despised me.Before she got married, Barbara's husband had been interested in me.I didn't return his feelings, so he eventually got involved withBarbara and married her. I was happy to see that he found someone,but Barbara never got over her insecurity about me because sometimesher husband would still flirt with me in a joking way. He would bumpinto me on purpose and say things like, 'we've got to stop meetinglike this'. Nothing ever came of it because I wasn't interested inhim. Barbara made it very clear that she couldn't stand me. This isa matter of written record because once I was supposed to audit herand she refused to have me as her auditor. This is the person who wasappointed as Chairman of my Committee of Evidence! I'm sure she had agreat time finding me guilty of all charges against me. Once again, Iwas sent to the RPF. In addition, all my auditing certificates hadbeen cancelled by LRH.
After I heard the Committee's verdict, I went to Quentin's cabinand told him about it. I knew that once I was on the RPF, I would nolonger be allowed to go there. I told him that the RPF would be arelief after what I had been through in the past few months. I hadlost everything I had worked so hard for. I didn't see how thingscould get much worse for me.
I was wrong. Things got much worse.
The Lesson of the RPF
In January, 1975, I was once again on the RPF. This time, however,it was not like the RPF of 1974 that I had been through the firsttime. This group of RPFers did not pull together to help each otherthrough and it was not so easy for me to get out.
A new feature of the RPF had been invented called the RPF's RPF,for people who got into trouble on the RPF. A person assigned to theRPF's RPF had to work deep down in the engine room of the ship allday, cleaning out bilges and was supposed to sleep in the chainlocker. No communication with anyone was allowed, except for theRPF's ethics officer. The first person assigned to the RPF's RPF wasan executive from London named Ron Hopkins. I caught occasionalglimpses of him on his way to and from the engine room. He wascovered with muck from the bilges and looked miserable. He still hada chest cough from a bout of pneumonia he was obviously stillrecovering from. After a few weeks, Ron got out of the RPF's RPF andjoined us on the RPF. He and I became friendly and, at first, he wasone person who was supportive of me. I saw him as a very sensitive,yet strong person. I can remember that he loved to play flamencoguitar and would often play for us. He was a natural leader and soonbecame the person in charge of the RPF, at which time his cultpersonality took over.
Life on the RPF was hard, beginning each day at 5:30 AM. We weredivided into groups of 5-7 people. The women's teams cleaned all theheads (bathrooms) on the ship, certain passageways and lounges, suchas the aft lounge. Cleaning the heads didn't mean just swishing sometoilet bowl cleaner around and going on to the next one. We had toscrub down the entire bathroom, including all the bulkheads (walls)and ceilings. After we cleaned an area, it had to pass a white gloveinspection. If the glove came up dirty, the person who cleaned thatarea had to run laps from bow to stern of the ship (about 1/5 of amile each). One time, when my senior wasn't satisfied with the way Icleaned a bathroom, she ordered me to 'take a lap'. I protestedbecause I thought she was being unfair and her reply was, 'Don'tQ&A with me. Take two laps.' I objected again and she said,'Take four laps.' This went on until I was up to about 10 laps, whichI eventually had to do. Another time, I was ordered to run laps and Iwalked them instead. The person in charge ofthe RPF at the time, Homer Schomer, caught me walking and ran afterme. I tried to run away from him, but he was too fast for me. Hecaught me by physically grabbing me and I ended up having to do morelaps.
The lesson we were to learn on the RPF was to obey orders withoutquestion, regardless of how we felt about it or who was giving theorders. This was a lesson that I was, obviously, very unwilling tolearn. I had not learned it my first time on the RPF, so I was back asecond time. Blind obedience violated everything I had ever valued.I had thought that Scientology was about independence andself-determinism, not blind obedience to authority.
To add to my difficulties, I was having trouble with my auditingpartner. Being audited and auditing another through the RPF programwas a requirement for graduation and my partner and I just weren'tcompatible. Finally, it became clear that it wasn't working outbetween us and, at his request, he was assigned to someone else. Itried another auditing partner, but that didn't work out either. Ifelt desolated. There seemed to be no hope for me getting out of theRPF. I can remember one day when I completely broke down. I wentdown into the lower hold where the RPF classroom was and cried like Ihave never cried before in my life. It felt like I was never going tostop. I felt totally out of control. Finally, Ron Hopkins went tothe medical officer and got me some Cal mag, which was supposed tocalm me down so I could get some rest. It seemed to work for a fewhours, but the next day, my grief came back. I went through severaldays where I couldn't stop crying. I was in a deep state of mourning.I had lost a great deal more than an auditing partner. On anemotional level, I had come to the realization that Scientology was asham, but only on an emotional level. I had no words to describe myloss at the time. There was no exit counsellor or deprogrammer aroundto help me see what was really happening. All I knew was that I feltworse than I ever had in my entire life.
David Mayo noticed the state I was in and seemed very concerned,but not even the Senior Case Supervisor could fix what was wrong withme. I felt I had lost everything. I had come into Scientology withgreat dreams and visions about what could be and I had worked hard tomake those dreams a reality. For awhile, I felt that my dreams hadcome true. Less than a year before that, I had felt like I wason top of the world and that all the bad times were behind me. Thenit was all taken away from me. Why was it taken away from me?Because I had asserted my right as a human being to choose my ownfriends and the friend I happened to have chosen was L. Ron Hubbard'sson. I wished to God he hadn't been Hubbard's son, but he was.Hubbard could wipe a person out, it seemed. He could build a personup, make every dream come true and then, suddenly take everything away-- just like that! I had lost my ability to be angry. All I could dowas cry.
At one point, I said I wanted to leave, but David Mayo and JeffWalker managed to talk me out of it. David said things like, 'You'regoing to break my heart.' and Jeff really got to me when he said,'You'll be forgotten about once you've left the Sea Org.' I finallydecided I had to try to stick it out and stay, no matter whathappened. As unhappy as I was, I believed that life outside ofScientology would be much worse.
I made one final attempt to assert myself. One day I was standingwatch as Quartermaster, logging people on and off the ship. This wasa duty that RPFers were often assigned to do. One day I had been onwatch all morning and someone was supposed to relieve me so I couldhave lunch, but no one showed up. Finally, I went below decks to theaft lounge to see what happened to my relief person. Ron Hopkins andsome other RPFers were having lunch and he refused to help me. I justexploded. My anger had very little to do with what was actually goingon -- I just felt I had to make one last attempt to assert myself. Isaid I was going to have my lunch and to hell with everything, atwhich point, Ron said: 'That's it! You're assigned to the RPF's RPF.'I'll never forget those words. I knew I had gone too far and tried toapologize, but it was no use. Ron was adamant. He said I couldrequest a comm ev if I wished to challenge the assignment, but if Idid, I would probably be thrown out of the Sea Org in disgrace.
And so it came to pass, that on May 26, 1975, I was assigned to theRPF's RPF. I spent very long days down in the engine room, cleaningfoul smelling muck out of the bilges and then painting them.Fortunately, Ron Hopkins showed me some mercy and I didn't have tosleep in the chain locker. I was assigned a condition of Enemy and toget out of it, I had to write up the formula, which was 'Find out whoyou really are.' I wrote up the formula and submitted it to RonHopkins, but he wouldn't accept what I had written. I didn't knowwhat he wanted me to write. For days, I struggled to find an answerthat would satisfy him. Who was I? At that point, I really didn'tknow. If I had known who I really was, I would have let them throw meout and gotten as far away from the ship and everyone aboard as Icould. But leaving Scientology was a possibility that I was notwilling to consider. Jeff and David had talked me out of it earlier,and at that time I felt that leaving Scientology would be worse thanwhatever hell I was going through on the ship.
I spent five days on the RPF's RPF, but it seemed much longer. Iwasn't allowed to communicate with anyone except Ron Hopkins. Oneday, David Mayo broke the rules and spoke to me. I dutifully told himthat he was not allowed to speak to me. He told me not to worry aboutit. I'll never forget what he did for me that day, just by breakingthe rules and talking to me. I don't recall exactly what he said, buthe encouraged me to hang in there and helped me feel I could make itthrough this horrendous experience. He showed me compassion when Ineeded it the most. I determined that I would hang onto what littlesanity I had left. The way I did this was to shut off all of myemotions. It was a matter of survival.
I finally wrote up my formula to Ron's satisfaction and got out ofthe RPF's RPF. I had been broken, after a long hard struggle. WhenRon Hopkins said, 'That's it. You're assigned to the RPF's RPF' onMay 26, 1975 in the aft lounge of the Flagship Apollo,something snapped in me and I no longer had any urge to fight back.
I was no longer angry; I was no longer sad; I was no longer happy;I felt nothing. I simply did as I was told.
At long last, I had learned the lesson of the RPF.
I want to make it clear at this point that I don't blame RonHopkins, David Mayo, Jeff Walker, Cathy Cariotaki, Jill Goodman or anyother Scientologist or Sea Org member for what I experienced on theship. They were all under the influence of L. Ron Hubbard and wereonly doing what they thought was best at the time. We were all tryingto survive. I only hope that they are free now and understand whatwas really going on with all of us on the ship, so they can come toterms with it and go on with their lives.
Up to this point, I have not been at a loss for words in describingmy experiences, but now I find myself feeling that I have very littleto say about the period that followed my being released from the RPF'sRPF. Perhaps this is because there was very little of me presentduring that time. My cult identity had taken over and I had become aRondroid, a robot for LRH. I had stopped causing trouble and did as Iwas told.
During the summer of 1975, LRH started going ashore on photoshoots. He brought people in the RPF along with him and used us ascrew and models. I was in several of the pictures, which are mainlyphotographic essays designed to promote Scientology. I never saw thefinal product and don't know if these pictures were ever publishedanywhere. I starred in one of them as a woman who was very sick, gotauditing and became the picture of health. In the 'before' shot, theymade up my face with a pale greyish makeup to make me look awful.Then they showed me getting auditing and in the 'after' shot, putrosy-colored make up and red lipstick on me so I looked like I wasglowing with good health. I can remember that Hubbard was veryparticular about how he wanted me to stand. He came over to me andshowed me exactly how he wanted me to pose. Unlike the stories Iheard about his later venture as a motion picture director, he seemedto be very nice on these photo shoots, which he enjoyed. After allthat had gone down between Hubbard and myself on the ship, this wasthe first time that he actually spoke to me in person without amessenger, other than the times he had nodded hello to me in passing.
Those of us in the RPF began to spend more and more time on thephoto shoots and less and less time on the RPF. Hubbard eventuallyformed an org called the 'LRH Photoshoot Org', which consisted of manyRPF members. Forsome reason, other than occasionally modelling for some of hispictures, I was not on the staff of the photo shoot org. The RPFgradually dwindled down until Ron Hopkins and I were the only onesleft. Finally, the RPF disbanded entirely, and I was assigned to doFolder Error Summaries ('FESes'), which means going through people'sauditing folders and noting down auditing errors that were made andthe progress of the case, or lack, thereof. I was still not allowedto audit, but I was no longer on the RPF.
In the fall, Hubbard sold the ship and we all moved to a land baseat the Fort Harrison Hotel in Clearwater, Florida. The accomodationsthere were a big improvement over the ship. I shared a hotel roomwith two of my best friends, Lieke and Karen, both auditors. Toanyone else, the room might have seemed crowded, but to us, we hadmore space than we had in years, as we were used to sleeping in a roomwith 50 other women on the ship. We even had a television set in ourroom. I hadn't watched TV in years. I would go up to my room duringlunch breaks and after a day's work and watch TV. My favorite showswere 'Star Trek' and 'Bewitched', both in reruns at the time. Manypeople in the Sea Org loved Star Trek since we liked to think ofourselves of being on a mission, like the crew of theU.S.S. Enterprise.
In Florida, I continued FESing folders, which wasn't the mostexciting job in the world, but it was peaceful. Some of the peoplewho's folders I FESed were celebrities, such as Karen Black and ChickCorea. One day I went to see the intern supervisor at the time, BrianLivingstone, about getting my certificates back as an auditor. Iassumed that he knew that LRH had ordered my certificates cancelled,but he didn't remember. Just as he was going to write me out aprogram, Judy Thiery came over to us and told him that LRH hadcancelled my certificates. Brian was furious with me and accused meof trying to trick him. I said that I thought he had known what hadhappened with me and was just trying to find out how I could Bet mycertificates back, but he refused to have anything further to do withme.
In May, the Commanding Officer of AOLA, Gary Epstein, decided thathe wanted me to return to Los Angeles and made a request to Flag. Iwas ordered to return to Los Angeles and assigned the position ofDirector of Processing at theAdvanced Org in Los Angeles (AOLA), where I had originally come from.Before I left, Jeff Walker finally gave me a program that I couldfollow to regain my certificates as an auditor. As Director ofProcessing, I would be responsible for the solo auditing of all thepeople who came to AOLA to do the Clearing Course and OT levels. Eventhough it was a much better position than I currently had, FESingfolders, I was very sorry to leave Florida. I had requested to remainin Florida, but my request was denied and I had no choice but to go toLA.
In May, 1976 I assumed the post of Director of Processing at AOLA.I felt very much alone and kept my distance from everyone. Somepeople seemed to be in awe of me because of the fact I had spent somuch time on Flag. No one knew about the trouble I had been in. Inever got close to anyone at AOLA, the whole time I was there.
Like most Sea Org living quarters, the condition of the house Ilived in was shabby, but I had my own small room. The house was in LAand we commuted by van to Hollywood every day, where the org waslocated. As Director of Processing, I was receiving bonuses inaddition to my regular Sea Org pay, so I decided to take an apartmentoutside the staff house at my own expense. I shared a very nicetwo-bedroom apartment across the street from where I worked, with twomen who worked for the Guardian's Office, but were not Sea Orgmembers. I shared a room with one of the men, Gene, but ourrelationship was strictly platonic. We slept in separate beds.
Living outside of Sea Org housing was unusual for a Sea Org member,but I managed to get away with it, probably because I had come fromFlag and no one dared to challenge me. Living in that apartment gaveme more privacy than I'd had in years. I was becoming increasinglyaware that I was not happy at all in the Sea Org. Gene was the onlyperson I was at all close to and he wasn't in the Sea Org, even thoughhe was in Scientology. I missed my friends on Flag (Florida) verymuch, especially Quentin. Quentin and I wrote to each otherregularly.
During the time I was in LA, I increasingly spent more and moretime alone. I would go to my apartment every chance I got, just toget a way from the org. Sometimes, during my half hour lunch break, Iwould go there and just think aboutmy situation. I would sit there, dreading having to go back to workand began to feel like I was really in a trap.
There were things about my new job that I hated, such as having tomake phone calls to people who had not paid for their next OT level.I was expected to use high pressure tactics to get them to return. Iremember telling one person that if he did not come in for his next OTlevel, that he would die. I really disliked making these phone calls,but it was an expected part of my job. I really didn't want to be anadministrator, even though the position was considered senior to thatof an auditor. I would have preferred just to be an auditor and workwith people one-on-one, but in the Sea Org what I wanted was neverconsidered.
I began to think about leaving and week by week, put a little bitof money aside from the bonuses I was receiving. At this point, Iwasn't ready to take action on my thoughts, but put the money away'just in case'.
One day in early July, 1976, I received a frantic phone call frommy mother. My father had been on vacation in Philadelphia and had aheart attack. She said that it was very bad and the doctors didn'tknow if he'd make it through the night. Years later, she told me thatshe had tried to call the org three times before she finally gotthrough to me. Nobody gave me her messages the first two times. Iimmediately flew to Philadelphia, spending the entire five hours inthe air, not knowing if my father would be alive or dead when Iarrived. To my Scientology identity, death didn't mean anything. Onesimply dropped one's body and could pick up a new one and start a newlife. However, there was still a part of me that was aware of thepersonal tragedy that my father's death would be and the pain I wouldfeel if I were to arrive at the hospital and found out he had died.When I finally did arrive in Philadelphia, early the next morning, Iwas very relieved to learn that my father had pulled through and wasgoing to be all right. He did, however, have a very serious heartcondition that would have to be constantly monitored. He was given apacemaker while he was in the hospital that he would be dependent on.
While I was in Philadelphia, I spent a great deal of time with mymother. I was in the 'wog' world with no other Scientologistsanywhere around me. We stayed at a hotel near the hospital and, whenwe weren't visiting my father, we hada lot of time to talk. I can remember one conversation we had aboutlife in the Soviet Union. My mother was telling me how people in theSoviet Union had no choice about their careers. From a very youngage, the government decided what that person would do based, not onpersonal desire, but on what was best for the Soviet Union. I thoughtabout that for awhile and realized that my life in Scientology wasmuch the same as that of a Soviet. I had wanted to live in Floridaand be an auditor and here I was in LA, doing a job I didn't want todo and I had no choice in the matter. I confessed to my mother how Ifelt and she asked me if I would consider coming home with her and notreturning to the Sea Org. She said that the door would always be opento me. I wasn't ready to make such a move at that time, but it helpedme tremendously to know I had an option. After being in the 'wog'world for three weeks, it didn't seem like such a terrible place.
When my father recovered enough to travel, we took him back to myparents' home in Michigan, where I stayed for about a week. I stillfelt I had to return to Scientology to try to work things out, so onAugust 1, 1976, I returned to LA. After having been away for threeweeks, things in LA looked even worse. My senior, Tina and I, hadnever gotten along well. Soon after my return, we had a big fight andI walked off my post as Director of Processing, refusing to work withher. I cannot recall what the fight was about, but I think it hadsomething to do with her not giving me my mother's messages forseveral hours. The Commanding Officer, Gary Epstein and the EthicsOfficer tried to get me to go back on post, but I refused, saying thatI would be willing to work at another job, but not with Tina. Ivolunteered to FES folders and they agreed, at least, temporarily. Idon't think anyone in LA quite knew what to do with me. If I had donesuch a thing on Flag, I would have been immediately sent to the RPF,but in LA, people were in awe of me because I had been on Flag andbesides, at the time, there was no RPF in LA.
I felt like I was in limbo. I would come in every day and FESfolders all day long. I wasn't being punished, so I was still allowedthe same time off I always was. One day, I had the afternoon off andI was going for a walk by myself on Hollywood Boulevard. Suddenly, asignificant mental shift occurred and I thought to myself, 'What am Idoing here? This is not what I had expected when I first joined theSea Org. I really am unhappy here and I can't go on like this. I'vegot to do something about my situation.'
Right then and there, I made the following decision: I would givethe situation two weeks. If, in two weeks, things hadn't changed forthe better, I would do one of two things: I would either go and talkto someone in the org, come clean and confess everything I had beenthinking and feeling and get straight with the group, or I would leavethe group, without telling anyone what I was going to do. The factthat I had allowed myself to have these thoughts was quitesignificant; it showed that because I had been away and spent so muchtime alone, I was beginning to free myself from the mind control I hadbeen under for so many years. A person under mind control would neverallow himself to have such critical thoughts about the group, withoutcensoring them. I had been taught that critical thoughts meantundisclosed crimes, but somehow I realized that my thoughts were validand I was innocent.
I returned to work the next day, keeping the decision I had madesecret from everyone. This was something that I was going to have towork out on my own. The two weeks passed and nothing happened forawhile. I continued to come in every day and FES folders. I saidvery little to anyone and no one seemed to bother me until Friday,August 20, 1976. That afternoon, Gary Epstein had a talk with me. Hewas very angry with me for leaving my post and said I should cut outthe nonsense and return to my post. He sarcastically accused me ofthinking I was above everyone because I had been on Flag with Quentin.He sent me to talk to the Ethics Officer, who was nicer. He tried topersuade me to return to my post, but I still refused. He said thatif I didn't return, he would have no choice but to comm ev me. I knewthat I would have to act soon.
The next morning, Saturday, August 21, I was FESing folders asusual. Some of the people I worked with were gossiping about a youngwoman named Pandora Cooper who had been an auditor and case supervisorfor the org in Washington, D.C. It was rumored that she had wanted toleave and not been allowed to. She was locked up in a room againsther will and forced to receive auditing. She pretended to go alongwith the auditing and told her captors that the auditing had reallyhelped her and that she had changed her mind about leaving. Once sheconvinced them that she wanted to stay, they let her out of the room,at which time she left the org and never returned. I realized thatwhat happened to Pandora could easily happen to me and I had to actfast.
I had saved up about $200 when I was Director of Processing andgetting bonuses. When I left that position, I no longer got thebonuses that went along with it; only Sea Org pay, which was $10 aweek at the time. Soon my $200 would be used up and I would have nomoney to go anywhere and would have to give up my apartment. Iconcluded that if I wanted to leave the Sea Org, it would have to bethat day, before a Committee of Evidence was convened on me.
It happened that I had the afternoon off that day, which gave methe perfect chance to leave, since I would not be missed until thefollowing day, but I still hadn't made a final decision. I went for aswim, took a shower and put on a new dress my mother had sent me.Then I went to a pay phone and called the airlines to see if I couldget a plane out of LA, but all the flights were booked up. Then Iwalked to the bus station to see when the next bus left to Michigan.There was a bus leaving at 6:00 PM and the fare was $125, which Icould afford. The time was 2:30 PM. I returned to my apartment andfound one of my roomates there. I tried to act normal. He went outto get a paper and I started to pack some of my things. Soon hereturned and I hastily hid what I had packed. I told him I had justbeen for a swim and the water felt great, hoping he would go for aswim. Fortunately, he did and I was left alone, once again.
Now there was nothing to stop me from leaving except the barriers Iimposed on myself. For what seemed like a long time, but was probablyno more than 5 minutes, I agonized over the final decision I knew Iwould have to make. I wanted to go, but was afraid. I knew that thiswould be my only chance to go. If I didn't do it that day, I mightnot get another opportunity for a long time, if ever. Yet I stillvacillated between whether to go or whether to stay. I felt like Iwas making the biggest and toughest decision I ever had to make in mylife. I finished packing some of my clothes in a small carry-on bag.I kept telling myself that I wasn't happy and that things were notgoing to get better; yet I still hesitated.
Then, suddenly, I realized that making the decision to leave wasnever going to be easy and if I waited for it to feel easy, I wouldnever do it. Finally, I took the plunge. I gathered up a few of mythings and left the apartment. I knew I couldn't take everything Ihad with me because I might run into someone I knew on the wayto the bus station and would have difficulty explaining the suitcases.I just took a small carry-on bag, a plastic bag and my handbag. Ieven made up a story to explain why I was carrying these bags if I raninto anyone on the street but, fortunately, I didn't have to use it.I was terrified of running into someone in the group, and of beingstopped and locked up against my will.
As soon as I arrived at the bus station in Hollywood, which wasabout a 10-minute walk from my apartment, I purchased my ticket toMichigan. Then I called my mother and told her I was coming home.She was overjoyed and strongly supported me in my decision to leave.She said, 'I always knew you were a free spirit.'
At 5:00 PM my bus left Hollywood for LA, where I was to changebusses. I had a splitting headache and was still worried aboutsomeone finding me. It wasn't until my bus pulled out of LA at 6:00PM that I finally began to relax. I felt more relieved than I everfelt in my life. I felt as if a big weight had been lifted off me andthat I was free at last.
I Begin My New Life
For nine months, I didn't do anything but stay home, try to makesome sense out of what I had been through and adjust to my new life.One week after I left, I started recording my thoughts about what hadhappened to me in a journal, which I still have. I was very confused.For several months, I saw no one but my parents and felt very muchalone.
Six weeks after leaving, I made an attempt in my journal to analyzethe group to see if I could figure out what went wrong. I wrote,'There is something very wrong with the way this group is being run --something very basic that I can't quite put my finger on.' At thispoint, I was not yet willing to hold LRH responsible for the situationand I didn't know anything about mind control. However, there is oneobservation that I made that I consider to be an insight that was ofgreat value to me: that there was little or no real caring aboutpeople as human beings. People were only seen in terms of theirusefulness to the group.
An example I came up with was a young woman from Holland who wasbeing trained as an auditor on Flag. She was still having difficultywith the English language and, as a result, had trouble withunderstanding the course materials and later, in her attempts to auditpeople. She was never able to progress beyond the most basic levelsas an auditor because of her difficulty with the language. When shemade mistakes she was sent to ethics and was one of the first to beput on the RPF. It never seemed to occur to anyone that her problemwas not 'evil intentions towards the group' but simply notunderstanding English well enough. No one cared enough about her tosee the obvious. All anyone could see was that she didn't performwell as an auditor and therefore must have evil intentions, so she wasdisciplined accordingly. If anyone had really cared about her as aperson, rather than just a commodity, they would have easily been ableto see what her problem was and help her learn English, but that justwasn't the way things worked in the Sea Org.
I began to realize that, for the most part, in the Sea Org therewas no real caring -- no love. All 'love' was conditional upon jobperformance and the standards for job performance were often quiteridiculous. There were exceptions, of course; sometimes truefriendships between people did develop in spite of everything, butthat is not how the group, as a whole, was run. Often, when such realfriendships did develop, every attempt was made to separate thepeople, such as what happened between Quentin and myself. The realthreat to Hubbard was not the possibility of our having sex, but theemotional closeness and true friendship that we had developed. Thisseparation of true friends has the effect of making the person feelvery isolated, even though they may be surrounded constantly byhundreds of people in the cult environment.
In my opinion, the most effective thing an exit counsellor could doin an intervention with a Scientologist, is to have a genuinely caringattitude towards the person. Scientologists, especially staffmembers, are starving for that sort of compassion. I cannot stressthis point strongly enough. A compassionate, caring attitude will bemuch more likely to help the person break free of their mental prisonthan any information about the group will. Simply giving the personinformation will not work, because it will be dismissed as lies fromthe 'wog press'.
I know this because I lived in such an environment for over fiveyears. The main key to free a person from this cult is compassion.This is true of all cults, but it is especially true of Scientology,where, in the upper echelons, there isn't even any pretense ofcompassion. Showing compassion just might be the key to breakingthrough the person's cult identity and reaching the real person. Oncean emotional bond is established with the person, you can then givethem the facts and help them to see their way out of the trap.
One friendship the Church of Scientology was never able to destroywas the one between Quentin and myself. We continued to write to oneanother. In September, I received a letter from him, saying that hewas having a very rough time. He had been taken off auditing for'errors' he had committed on a PC who had cancer. Quentin had beendesperately trying to help the person, but nothing seemed to beworking. He sounded very depressed. He sent me a picture of himself,saying that it was to remind me of him. I was very concerned that hemight try to commit suicide again and wrote him back right away. Itold him I was concerned that he might be feeling he had to commitsuicide and if he ever felt that way, he could call me anytime andtalk about it.
On October 12, I received my last letter from Quentin. He told menot to worry and that he would never attempt suicide again. Thingsseemed to be looking up for him. He had written up a proposal to hisfather, requesting an indefinite leave of absence so he could go toschool and learn how to be a pilot. I had the feeling that if hisproposal was not approved, he would leave Scientology, which would bevery difficult for him. He would have to cut himself off from hisparents and the only life he had ever known. I was determined tosupport him in any way I could, if he made such a decision. Onceagain, I answered his letter right away. This time I received noreply. For the next eight months, I kept sending letters, hoping toget through to him. I thought that maybe his parents had found out hewas writing to me and stopped my letters from getting through. SinceI had left Scientology, I was considered a Suppressive Person and noScientologist in good standing was allowed to communicate with me, butthat hadn't stopped Quentin. It occurred to me that maybe the worsthad happened and Quentin had committed suicide, but I kept trying towrite to him.
I had many dreams about Quentin and about Scientology. For a wholeyear, I had nightmares every night about the group, where I would berunning away from Scientologists who were trying to get me to comeback. Sometimes I would have dreams about being locked up in prisonand escaping. After a year, these dreams became less and lessfrequent.
In June, 1977, I received a call from Chuck Ohl, who worked in theGuardian's Office. He told me that Quentin had passed away lastOctober. According to the story Chuck told me, Quentin had been foundin a coma in his car near the airport in Las Vegas. The cause of hisdeath was listed as 'unknown' and Mary Sue had ordered a fullinvestigation into his death. Chuck wanted to know if Quentin hadcalled or tried to contact me. I was stunned. I had felt for a longtime that something had happened, but hearing the news really shockedme. I told Chuck that Quentin had written me just before he left andthat I would send him copies of the letters and do everything I couldto help with the investigation. I felt that his mother had a right toknow what happened to her son. I knew that she really loved him. Imade copies of the letters and sent them to Chuck.
Just recently, I talked to someone who had been in Florida at thetime Quentin had left for Las Vegas. She had quite a bit of insideinformation on what happened to Quentin. I asked her if his requestto go to flying school had been approved and she said that as far asshe knew, it hadn't. He was just going on another three week vacationand had been expected to return. I am now convinced that Quentin'sdeath was a suicide.
By the time I heard the sad news, I had started going back tocollege at the University of Michigan and was well on my way to a newlife. I felt badly about Quentin, but I vowed that I would doeverything in my power to live my life to the fullest. Since leavingScientology, I have never taken my freedom for granted. I know howprecious it is because I lived for over five years without it.Quentin was gone, but I had my whole life ahead of me, which I wouldlive the best I could, in honor of both Quentin and myself.
Fortunately, I had no trouble in school, probably because I held afairly high position in Scientology that required me to use my mindand to make decisions,even if they were in service of the group. I managed to graduate fromthe University of Michigan with a 3.7 GPA in the top 10% of my class.
In July, 1977, I received a call from Karen de la Carriere, who hadbeen one of my closest friends on Flag. She was on a mission to LAand tried to convince me to come back. She said that the org hadmoved to a brand new complex and that exciting things were going on.Gary Epstein, the Commanding Officer at the time I left, had beenremoved from his post after having been discovered to be a'suppressive person'. She said that because Gary had been in chargeat the time I left, I was welcome to come back with no penalties,since I couldn't be blamed for leaving when such a 'suppressive'person was in charge. For a few seconds, I was tempted. I didn'ttell her yes, but I didn't tell her no either. I said I'd think aboutit. When I hung up the phone, I realized that I'd never go back. Iwas starting a new life and it didn't sound as if things had changedall that much in the Sea Org. About a week later, she called me backand I told her that I was not going to return. That was the last timeI ever heard from anyone in Scientology.
Recently, I spoke with three former Scientologists who didn't leaveuntil the early 1980s, all of whom were top Scientology executives.They said that from the late 1970s on, things got much worse inScientology, especially after Hubbard's messengers took over. Theyall agreed that I was very lucky to have left when I did. If anyonetries to tell you that the kind of horrendous experiences I wentthrough in Scientology don't happen anymore, don't believe it -- thereare many people around who can testify that things have gotten evenworse.
After graduating from the University of Michigan with a B.A., Imoved to New York in 1980. While, in some ways, I was functioningwell in life, in other ways, my experiences in Scientology were stillaffecting me. Over the years, I considered several different careers,but I never followed through on any of them. The career I was mostinterested in was being a psychotherapist. I went to school for abouta year and a half at a Psychoanalytic institute, but I didn't completethe program. I had no trouble academically, but just didn't have themotivation necessary to complete the program and found an excuse todrop out. I didn't realize until very recently that my inability toget a new career going, particularly in this field, had very much todo with my experiences in Scientology. Because my'success' in Scientology resulted in such total devastation for me, Ihad a deep subconscious fear of ever being successful again. Afterall, for me in Scientology, any success I achieved was very temporaryand could be wiped out any time at the whim of LRH. Success, to me,meant being wiped out. Now that I realize this, I am able toreprogram my subconscious mind and am finally starting to work thingsout for myself. I am planning to go back to school for my MSW. I amno longer in a cult and can be as successful as I want without fear ofbeing wiped out.
For the first time in years, I am starting to feel like theenthusiastic, ambitious, idealistic young woman I was at the age of18. This time, however, I know that no one is going to give me theanswers to life. I now realize that I have a mind that is fullycapable of guiding me through the decisions I make in life and I willnever put anyone or anything above what I know and feel. I now knowthe techniques that are used to control people's minds and that peopleexist in this world that have no compunction about using thesetechniques to manipulate people. If I see that a person or group isusing these techniques, that is where my association with that personor group ends. My life and my mind are now my own and I will nevergive them up again.
[Update, August 1996: I have since gone back to school and havecompleted my Masters Degree in Social Work, passed my licensing exam(CSW), and am now a certified mental health professional.]